How to lose weight with Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon came to Orlando, and it turned all Games of Thrones here in the City Beautiful. Alliances were made, bitchez were cut, someone showed their boobs – you get the idea. The Tonight Show mentioned tickets, and then all hell broke loose to get them. So much so, that I think we crashed their website because tickets went live, then went down and then went live again. Personally, I like to think that I was the one messing it all up because I was routed into EVERYwhere on every kind of device with wifi that I owned, hard core stalking for them tickets. Picture Seth Green in The Italian Job, that was me. Of all the Facebook talk about it- there were only about 4 of us that actually got tickets, and all 4 days of the show were sold out within 5 minutes of the launch- with a technical glitch on one of the sites lasting about 2 minutes, so yeah. I was excited! We secured 3 tickets so Smith and I could take our friend for her belated birthday. We chose the last day of filming because I thought it would likely be the most exciting.

Note to self: never buy peach colored shorts.

Note to self: never buy peach colored shorts.

When I found out Michelle took her Crazy Legs to the show a couple of days before, I hit her up for some tricks of the trade she learned on the road.  “Bring and umbrella and sunblock for the ginger <because he will die otherwise>,” she said. She was right, had we not brought an umbrella, Smith AND I would have bursted into a star and gone to live among the Great Bear and the Seven Stars constellation. When I pulled my magical umbrella out, you could hear people lusting to partake in my giant gerber daisy of shade- and I shared it (yeah, you shade thieves were all up on me… not too smooth with your shade stealing efforts, peeps. You need to watch The Italian Job.) But oh em gee – I can hardly blame them because in that sun, on a blacktop back lot, it was blistering without it! To make it extra uncomfortable for those without water or umbrellas (I was golden in this case because Smith spoils me), they unplugged all the giant fans. It felt like Universal was doing their own Divergent type of mind control training course back there. I was relatively comfortable and still was sweating from my elbows, so I can’t imagine how other people felt.

When The Tonight Show invites you to their show, Universal just decides to take over your whole damn day.

“Oh you want to see the show? Start sweating in your buttcrack and we’ll talk, Buddy.”

We had to be in line to retrieve our tickets from will call at 10, then after getting the tickets we had to be back in line by 3, show starts at 5, then after the taping we had to be at the concert venue by 8. So while we were at Universal, we couldn’t really do anything without it running into some time we had to be in line for something to do with the show. Let’s put it this way, when I left my house in the AM I was presentable, but when we started taping I looked like the toppins bird lady from Mary Poppins- and I was one of the comfortable ones! A dude with dreads in front of us lifted his arm at one point and the smell almost made Smith crap his pants, and that chain of events doesn’t even make sense. DIVERGENT!

Jimmy was flawless and so funny. The Roots are amazing, but you already knew that. Paula mentioned that the Wednesday taping wasn’t that great  – but ours was really funny, fun and Jimmy didn’t do any retakes, so smooth – it was literally like watching the show on tv, only really loud and with other people’s body odors that make your colon malfunction. I spent my time with Jimmy doing the robot when the crane cameras swept around.

“The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon in LOUD AZZ SMELL-O-VISION!”

Our guests were George Lopez and Pit Bull Pitbull, which at first I was like “Meh” as I’m not an actual fan of either of the guests- but honestly, George was really funny and Pitbull’s concert with The Roots as the band was AMAZEBALLZ. The show was a good time! I prayed Jimmy would go Oprah on us and just start popping off cars or trips to Australia, but he didn’t. We had special treatment so they let us into the concert venue before they opened it to the park, at which point it got REAL crazy out there. I had to push a drunk woman off of me using only her boobs. She got aggressive trying to drop elbows and steamroll me out of the way with those puppies (even though she had no wrist band and therefore shouldn’t have been up there anyhow) so I was forced to grab them padded c’s and force her back from whence she came. It was just as awkward and amusing as it sounds.

The Gates to Mordor

The Gates to Mordor

Ticket

My ticket, standing in the sweat lodge line

One pic and then they made everyone turn phones off so no more inside. :(

Only one pic inside, they had everyone turn phones off/no cameras allowed after we got seated. 😦

 

The Roots concert sound check

The Roots concert sound check

The Roots & Pit Bull about to take stage

The Roots & Pit Bull about to take stage

Jimmy! I couldn't get it to focus! :\

Jimmy! With them moving and us dancing I couldn’t get my phone to focus! lol

Jimmy in motion again lol

Jimmy in motion again TIMBERRRRRRR!!!

 

Pit Bull

Pitbull

Quest Love and Damon, Tuba Gooding Jr.

Quest Love and Damon, Tuba Gooding Jr. ❤ My favorites!!!

 

 

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Magical Panties

I shared this on Facebook and people seemed to enjoy it, so I’m sharing it here too!

I was spending the day at Disney with my boo when I noticed a small string, about a half-inch long, sticking out above the waist of my pants. I decided to pull on the string to get rid of it.

I was a string pulling machine!

and I pulled…and I pulled and proceeded to pull about 4 yards of string out of my pants.

Could have knitted the world a sweater!

I felt a breeze of unwanted freedom below and snapped the string with a key to stop the madness. I had a ball of fuzzy string pilled forever high in my hand and scurried to find somewhere to throw it away.

Watch out I’m trying to get rid of this shit!

I became afraid to use the public restroom because I feared my underwear were either gone entirely, or just laying down there like a fig leaf. I didn’t want to shift any tables in the jean-time-continuum ’cause I just can’t walk around naked in jean shorts. 100% cotton, maybe- but I’m definitely not doing any high kicks in either of those scenarios.

Eventually I did have to crack the pee levee because I drink a shit-ton of water. I stowed myself away into a back corner restroom stall where the light was flickering. Apparently that string was a major component of my underwear’s elastic band because without it, my underwear just kept getting bigger and bigger like they were magical. **ExpectoGrow’Em!** I tucked and folded them bad boys up like I was crafting origami cranes down there and went back out to hit the rides.

Pantygami

By the end of the night I could have sailed a ship with these bloomers, or at least have worn them as a shall or a hipster infinity scarf. At one point I seriously had that shiz tucked up under the bottom of my bra.

If I can figure out how to harness the power of the string I will market rip-cord panties to the world for the holiday season. “Pull this string! BOOM! Comfort.” Well, until they fall out of your pant leg.

Thankful Thursdays!

Today, I am thankful for…

Letting that crazy colored school bus out in front of me.

Sir Gus. He's just that royal.

Sir Gus. He’s just that royal.

And yes, he’s totally a real-azz camel hanging out of the emergency exit on a moving school bus. You can’t tell that camel what to do!

Also thankful for…

Having pets that seem to enjoy dressing up for Halloween. Or at least, don’t eat my face off when I approach them with something strange that I then put on their body.

Howdy, m'am. There will surely be shit in your shoes in the AM for this.

Howdy, m’am. There will surely be shit in your shoes in the AM for this.

SherrifZ

Come on, he totally looks like he’s enjoying this!

 

Having gotten to see Sigur Ros and Nine Inch Nails mere weeks apart!

Sigur rocked my non-existent balls off.

Sigur rocked my non-existent balls off.

 

NIN!

NIN!

Speaking of NIN – did I ever tell you that I made my mom go see them? She was talked into seeing Marilyn Manson with a group of co-workers and had “a lovely time” so I thought well, NIN she ought to “love to pieces” then, right? She’ll be cross stitching “NIN” on everything in no time, right?! Wrong. It changed her. It also made her expect larger gifts from me at Christmas. Additionally, she’s now convinced that Trent Reznor has a chain of hidden cameras mounted in public restrooms across the continental United States, and that said public restrooms have now become a “hip place where everyone is humping.” No amount of explaining could convince her otherwise.

I’m also thankful for this meme texted to me as it related to conversation from Penny:

Stuffed Crust Pizza

Stuffed Crust Pizza

And for our mutual friend, Ernie thinking that “sleeping in” is defined by being able to meet and coordinate a group outing 40 minutes away at 11:00 in the morning:

(We asked if we could have nachos, but Ernie had her own agenda.)

(We asked if we could have nachos, but apparently Ernie had her own agenda.)

Happy Thankful Thursdays y’all! Now get out there and be somebody!

Party ’til your butt blows!

So I had a fantastical birthday celebration that started out with Smith giving me this lil beauty right here:

AH YEAH!

AH YEAH! It’s red cause I gots street skillz.

THEN as if that wasn’t enough, Smith whisked me away to Savannah, GA for a long weekend retreat with friends.

This is where we stayed on Jones Street

This is where we stayed on Jones Street

Savannah is awesome – it’s old and historically eerie, and we like to do super nerd things there like go on trolley tours, or run an app in your car tours. Here’s some of my limited retention recall of historical facts I learned about Savannah:

1. This is the home of the Girl Scouts! I was a Girl Scout! Juliette Gordon Low got it done!

The original Girl Scout headquarters!

The original Girl Scout headquarters!

2. Jingle Bells was written in a church there in the 1800’s. Can you believe that shit? WE STILL KNOW THAT DAMN SONG, SON! That dude was a genius.

3. They had mullafuggin pirates that would get townspeople drunk and then smuggle them down to the river through underground caves – THAT STILL EXIST! Why wouldn’t Johnny Depp have taught me about this yet?!

The Pirate House Restaurant; turn left at the corn fritters and straight on til morning!

4. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil was filmed there. Here’s his house!

Jude Law, Kevin Spacey, John Cusack... damn, son!

Jude Law, Kevin Spacey, John Cusack… damn, son!

5. It’s sweltering as balls in Savannah. Literally. I pulled down my weather map while I was there and it said Humidity – 87%. EIGHTY SEVEN PERCENT! I didn’t even know that shit could go that high! Go home Savannah, you’re drunk!

Schwetty Balls

Schwetty Balls

6. Speaking of drunk, Savannah is one of the few towns where it’s legal to walk around with open containers of alcohol. Like, you can get to-go cups at restaurants. It’s bizarre! They even have a store that sells travel growlers. If you don’t know what a growler is – it’s basically a supped up forty.

Grrrr

Grrrr

growler2

We enjoyed plenty of those – so much so that the dude at the growler store thought we were locals and gave us our fifteenth growler free card. That’s right, fifteenth. In my defense, my growler contributions were root beer. Delicous on-tap root beer.

And speaking of root beer – I had hard root beer for the first time in Savannah and it is magically delicious.

I drank these until I peed root beer.

I drank these until I peed root beer.

It was a great few days – we walked, and drank things, and ate things, and walked some more, and sweat my non-existent balls off, and it was all fun and games until I got food poisoning and threw up out of my butt, and my mouth… which made for an interesting four-hour ride home.

ACK!

ACK!

It’s quite funny now but at the time I thought I was dying. I left little pieces of me all over Georgia that day. In the Burger King, in the Dairy Queen, on the freeway… everywhere. When I woke up a day later from the ordeal I realized I was wearing the same shirt and socks I rode home in but I was sans pants. Which is not like me, I mean I have pajamas – I’m not an animal! I still have no idea where my pants went, but I do remember some strange looks when Smith and I were packing the car. Anyhoo, here are some other pics of Savannah! 😀

bundts candy fork horses sixpence street trees uniCORN vespa

skinny slush

My boyfriend is afraid of my period.

Warning: Men, your heads may explode after reading this post. While I will not be using the word “vagina” I will be talking about the matters of the ol’ front butt. You have been warned. Proceed with caution.

I love Smith. He is the greatest boyfriend, that will do just about anything for me, including buy feminine products girl’s party favors. He’s also like some sort of ninja in the lady mood matrix. All I gotta do is let out a little grumble and he’s all:

“Hey babe, you wanna to watch Annie with me while I braid your hair?”

I’ve only consciously discovered this recently, when I noticed that he may be afraid of my period when it rains in my lady garden. Mainly because I opened my medicine cabinet to put in a bottle of Midol that he picked up for me when he was “doing some grocery shopping.” It joined four other bottles that he had already picked up in the same manner:

He's in deep, I tells ya!

He’s in deep, I tells ya!

Later I found a bottle in the vitamin drawer near a flash light, like in case all hell breaks loose and there’s no power or Midol left on the planet. Seriously, Midol around here is like jars of mayonnaise or ketchup on most other men’s shopping lists.

“Hmmm… do I have mayonnaise at home for my big midnight sub sandwich that I shall make with 42 varieties of meat and then eat said sandwich in my underwears? Hmmm… can’t remember, better pick one up to be sure…”

I mean if tomorrow US currency was changed to trading Midol pills for goods and services, I would be like a Sultan or some shit, so I’m crossing my fingers.

Further proof: we both went shopping together weeks ago when it was actually “raining in my lady garden.” I ran into Walgreens real quick for some makeup while he went in to “start the shopping.” This is what was happening when I found him (in the wine aisle no less).

It's like he has an app for that...

It’s like he has an app for that…

In conclusion, I may need to do some serious monthly mood charting. As cupcakes have been recently added to his lady garden combat arsenal.

I gotta hand it to him – bish is crafty! 😀

The Magic of Rahat and The Lone Nut

I have been off in the wild blue yonder fighting the forest fires of the internal turmoil that are my artistic endeavors. (It’s not actually turmoil, but I liked that it made it seem more dramatic.) I have also been consuming a lot of Pad Thai and midnight VH1. SO I have decided to post something enjoyable that is shorter, as it might be a better route than waiting until I have the eight years I need to put together what I deem to be “a proper post.”

I will start with the following. Before your mind gets scared, this is picture proof of Smith’s insistence on clinging to the empty tinfoil of cookies that he consumed over Christmas. He is currently insisting on keeping this remnant of holiday bliss because it houses one, lone, chocolate-covered cashew that fell off of a chocolate haystack circa December 28th. Warning, what you are about to see may disturb you:

I'll won't let go, Jack. I'll never let go.

I’ll won’t let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.

Next, this video made me laugh extremely hard today. I may be overreacting, but if I were about twenty years older, I am more than certain I would have needed a Poise pad and possibly a bath.

I hope you enjoy this video as much as I did.

For the 50+ crowd, please feel free to use a Poise at your discretion.

Healthy Holiday Trash Cookies

Super Easy Holiday Trash Cookies

Mmm looks so guuud.

Step 1 – FInd a recipe for easy, healthy, holiday sugar cookies.

Step 2- Go to store and gather ingredients. Make sure store is unexpectedly packed with batshit crazy Thursday afternoon shoppers so that it’s a super easy experience all together. Also, be sure that you get forced to purchase more quantity of individual ingredients than you will ever need or use.

That is some bullshit.

That is some bullshit.

Step 3- Go home and tediously prepare the cookies per the instructions as you destroy what used to be your kitchen.

Where's that penny...

Where’s that old rusty penny that was just here a second ago…

Step 4- Begin to panic when nothing is turning out as pictured. Use every utensil you can find to stir something, anything. Be sure to dirty every dish, even if only by accidentally touching them with your creep melty dough strong hands.

Ah shit.

Ah shit.

Step 5- Bake* two batches of healthy holiday shit taco trash cookies. Let cool. Test their alternative use as a mouse pad. Contemplate their existence as a dog treat. Make Smith taste them. Realize how much you love Smith when he **coughs** and offers, “Hey! The texture is odd but it tastes real good, babe! Good job!”

Step 6- Give up when you realize that for the most part, you hate baking. Dump evidence of your baking endeavors into the trash. Plan to tell people you didn’t answer the phone for four hours because you were out planting something in the ground somewhere. There you have it, easy, healthy holiday trash cookies. Serves 15.

Trash cookies

“Trash cookies are so delicious, and good for you too!” Says homeless dog

*In low altitudes: Rely on Christmas cookies from your kick ass neighbors (Who own their own catering bakery.) If you don’t know what went into making said cookies, you can assume they were only made with love as the main ingredient. Love is fat free and low carb.

Merry-effing Christmas you non-bakers!

Merry-effing Christmas you non-bakers!

😀

Resolve to only bake healthy cupcakes in the future. It’s your role and you know it.

Mmmm shit tacos....

Mmmm shit tacos….