Bitches like getting pedicures. But I am slowly developing a complex about getting pedicures done at a salon. The reason being, every time I go- the technician gets smaller and smaller. Seriously, it’s like this place is populated by those Russian nesting dolls.
If I go by past height patterns, the next technician will be a 3-footer, easy. I should note, I’m not talking little persons – I’m just talking petite-as-shit women. Anyhow, most of the time they are Vietnamese women, and I have come to expect a certain level of cultural petite-ness, but this shit is outta control! It’s not like I’m the only one who’s noticing because I am fairly certain they are saying “Whoa! Holy cow! Looky dis big ol’ foot!” in their native tongue. (Loosely translated, but there’s a shit-ton of pointing going on too.) I am a size 9 shoe, and on a normal day I feel fairly foot-confident. But on pedicure day, that all comes crashing down.
My last pedi-venture was with the smallest technician yet. She scooted over on her little chair, and it looked like she was riding a pony. Like, you could see the chair cushion underneath her, but they’re made for your butt to hang over the edges. (It’s the tiny thing with wheels pictured above in the lower right corner.) Anyhow, the Foot Warrior starts the foot spa for me and I’m lovin’ soaking these dawgs in the bubbles. Then came the part where she gives the pedicure… the bitch picked up my foot with both hands, and I. Could not. See her. Like, my foot literally covered her body from the chest to the head. She kept having to lean to the side – out from behind my foot to even make eye contact or talk with me. She was trying to make small talk but was speaking loud as hell because she was struggling to hold my foot up. It was like she was reenacting the scene from The Lion King, where they hold baby Simba in the air, only Simba was lined with lead. HAAAA SAWAYYAA! BIGFOOTAAA! It made me both laugh (inside) and want to throw up in my mouth from the awkwardness of it all.
I mean, how in the hell can I have a foot that is half the size of some adult woman’s body length?! That shit is ridiculous! When it came to the leg massage she had to straddle my calves and just beat the front of my legs aimlessly. It was like Mr. Burns, from the Simpsons, was fighting my shins. By the end of the session she was out of breath, with her hair all disheveled and she began drinking water at an alarming rate. As if the bish had just finished running a 10K or some shit. I could tell she was going to tell her family about this and possibly move back to Vietnam for refuge in smaller feet sizes.