My Fears Explained

These are my fears, explained.

1. Fainting in Public – I fear fainting not for the fainting part, but for the fear of my body releasing a fart on impact with the ground part. Everyone will be laughing too hard to help me!

Toot!

2. Flight – I would be much more at ease flying if we flew closer to the ground, were allowed to wear parachutes, and had the capability of ejecting our seats at any given notice without impact to the rest of the plane. Also in this category are screaming babies on planes – I fear they’re crying because they know something.

THERE ARE MULLAFUGGIN SNAKES ON THIS MULLAFUGGIN PLANE!

3. Public Nudity – Not for the being naked part, but for the learning your whatevers are abnormal compared to the group of also naked people amidst your glance range. Although, I saw the musical Hair last year – it made me feel less afraid, at least in the nipples area.

Susan B. Anthonies, son!

4. Medical Anything – Why the hell aren’t we robots by now? I can’t take it, “your veins this, and your arteries that” BARF! Stop telling me this medical shit already and make a vitamin for it. Also while you’re at it, instead of making a diet pill the curbs one’s cravings for bad stuff, just make me a pill that increases my craving for peas, alfalfa sprouts and sweating my nonexistent balls off on a treadmill.

Can’t I just drink some apple cider vinegar for that?

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