Dear Mr. Dick

I think it’s high time that all the Dicks in the world turn over a new leaf. If your name is Dick, please for all that is holy, start going by something else. Seriously. It’s just not healthy for you. No one has/ever will say your name and not associate you with a penis. Worse yet, they’re not even associating you with your own penis. They’re associating you with an imagined penis that wears a top hat, is half slinkied and winks into a monocle. (It may or may not have a British accent depending on your age and hair color.)

Yeah, you were right to picture this

I’m sorry to be the one breaking this news to you Dicks, but I’m just telling you the truth. Your name encourages people to act like they are part of the cast of Entourage. Also, I think the Dicks have confused society with general manners for the last 50+ years.

The History of Dick:

This is my theory of Dick’s history. I suspect that at one point, back in the 50’s, 1 in 5 businessmen must have been named Dick.

Dick was booming. Soon Dick began to get accolades at work:

“Man, Dick sure is smart!”

“If I was like Dick, I’d be living in that mansion by now!”

“Wow, look at Dick do all those deep knee bends!”

Etc. Etc. I think Dick hit a major popularity spike because of the astronaut program.

The only people in this picture NOT named Dick, are wearing glasses.

Space propelled Dickdom into everyday American life. Dick was eating our apple pie! Dick Van Dyke was tripping over couches. Dick Van Patten was tripping on kids. It was a crazy time. Soon people were encouraging each other to “Be more like Dick! He’s funny and is married to Mary Tyler Moore on TV- tell your friends!” If you have ever played the telephone game, you know that once people start communicating a topic, bits and pieces of the information are bound to get lost in translation. It had to be around this height of Dick utopia, that one evil Dick must have been mixed into the fold. (Maybe by the government because of the aliens?) Whatever the reason, it screwed up the namesake for all of the kind Dicks that came before him. Evil Dick must have been a real piece of work too. I’m guessing he looked like a penis, hence the modern association thereof – so he must have been older, bald, and possibly sun burnt.

Dick Voldemort, Degrassi High ’96

Evil Dick quickly became a negative person to compare unjust things to:

“Don’t be a Dick, John. That guy is a butthead!”

“Larry, your boss is a Dick- he’s never laughed once during Tootsie!”

“Don’t you yell at me, who do you think you are, Dick?”

Etc. Etc.

Cut 2, and here we are in present day America – with hardly any Richards and a planet full of Dicks. We are literally populating the earth with Dicks. There has been a strong decrease in Richards since 1996, however the Dicks had a resurge in 2006- which means there are modern-day Dicks by our own modern-day doing!

The proof is in the pudding, Dick.

Naming your baby Dick, is just a dick move. Give the kid some options, dude!

There is too much wrong with this chart to make fun of it.

Dear Dicks,

Having studied these charts and decoded your history, I now understand that you might not know the power of your name. I have outlined the best options for you below. Decide which Dick fits you best.

–> If you are evil, please continue to address yourself as Dick. That way the rest of us can spot you easily. Feel free to have your license plate personalized with your name – it will help to reduce road rage from you you-ing all over our freeway system. Also, please abide by these simple Modern-Day Dick rules:

1. Dicks on the road: Please stop using the merge lane to pass waiting traffic, also stop turning left from the right lane, riding your break, and throwing trash out of your windows – it’s just not safe and someone will eventually beat your ass. Oh yeah, and stop revving your engines to sprint 10 feet. No one thinks your car is cool, because a penis is driving it.

2. Dicks on Facebook: Please use Twitter. It will be easier for us to ignore you there.

3. Dicks at Work: Please stop spending so much time in the bathroom, we’re all assuming you’re masturbating in there. If you’re a Dick boss – please stop being yourself. Happy workers make you look good and that makes you money. Unhappy workers urinate in your coffee and poop in the elevator. Nobody wins then.

–> If you are good, please go by Richard, Rich or your middle name – so long as it isn’t Gaylord. Gaylord will just make things worse, even if you own a chain of southern hotels.

–> If you don’t know which Dick you are; evil Dicks have a sinister laugh and beady eyes.

Dick Joker


2 thoughts on “Dear Mr. Dick

  1. LMAO.

    True story, I had a professor in grad school — Dr. Dick. He’s actually a big name in the ISD world and I frequently say things like “Oh yeah, I had Dick in grad school.” and “Remember when Dick made us do this.” and “Dick had no idea what he was talking about.” This alone was worth the $$$ for the degree.

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