This story is about the wedding that never was for Lee, the shitter ex. I have a special place in my heart for this story because I was so hands-on involved with it.
(To learn about who Lee is – please be sure to read part1 https://foghornunicorn.wordpress.com/2012/07/18/mud-butt-part-1/ before continuing)
Lala was asked to be the planner at a friend’s wedding. She told Lee he would have to accompany her to help out. Lee was none pleased, but luckily it was free cappuccino day so he was in a great mood. Lee tried every tactic he could think of to come up with excuses about not attending the wedding. “I’m tired,” “My head hurts,” “I have no dress pants,” “I’m NOT GOING!” etc, etc. Lala quickly handed over the brand new pair of dress pants she had just picked up for him that morning. There was no way around it, Lee was going to this mullafuggin wedding and Lee was PISSED about it. The pair began their 30-minute freeway journey when Lee’s stomach started a rattling. “Oh baby, you’re gonna have to pull over… those cappuccinos… I must be allergic or something… uuuggghhooooo not again!” But Lala thought this was another ploy, so she refused and said she would stop at the gas station when she got to the exit. When they got off the freeway, Lee was squirming and wiggling and running sideways into the gas station that housed a Bojangles. At this point Lala called me to give me the low down, when I heard someone knocking on her window.
A muffled voice yelled: “Is your husband in the bathroom?” *Makes roll down the window motion to Lala as she whispers “oh my gawd, he wants me to roll down the window!” to me. She rolls the window down.
“Yes, my husband is inside.”
“Well he needs you to come in there.” Lala says she’ll call me right back she’s going to see what’s up and expressed her dismay at him possibly just trying to make them late for the wedding. Lala called me back five minutes later hysterical (crying) because she was afraid of being late and ruining the wedding. Lala confirmed the fact that Lee had shit his brand new JCPenny pants unrecognizable. I was like “well, just leave him there – I’ll get some clothes and go get him so that you’re not late.”
I had never prepared for a shit pickup so I didn’t know what I should bring. I showed up at the designated Shitter-jangles with these items:
1 black trash bag (the huge ones for yard waste) inside said bag was:
1 pair of my largest flip flops, in baby blue
an old Hard Rock sweatshirt
1 bottle of Shower to Shower powder
1 Alka Seltzer tab
1 roll of paper towels
Endless Love VS body spray
1 face cloth
1 bag of cotton balls
1 bottle of water
1 pair of silvery shimmer shorts (the most boy type shorts I owned)
I didn’t take into account how difficult it would be to pull off rolling up in a gas station Bojangles lugging a full yard-sized trash bag and seem nonchalant about it – but I owned that shit. I was on a mission. Oddly, no one inquired what the hell I was doing lugging around a giant ass trash bag, at all. They just watched me walk right through with expressions like “What the heeeeell?”
I arrived at the bathroom door. Now, let me say that when I told Lala to “leave him there.” I assumed she would give him a heads up that I was on my way. She did not. She just left him in the Bojangles bathroom and got the hell outta dodge. When I arrived about 20-30 minutes later, I knocked on the bathroom door.
“Lee?” Lee then mistook my voice to be Lala’s and replied:
“Oh Baby! Thank God you came in here – my ass fell asleep.” I had to hold back the laughter because I didn’t know if he meant his butt went numb from waiting for so long, or if he took a little nap. Either way, that shit was hilarious. I tried to explain what had happened and broke the news that Lala wasn’t there. Lee was happy that she didn’t miss the wedding and gladly received my trash bag of provisions.
He said that he’d been trapped in the stall because of “the over spill.” He also said that a man came in with a small child and heard the following dialogue:
Kid: “Daddy, I gotta poopie!”
Dad: “Okay son, but we have to wait for the stall.”
Lee: “Uh, yeah dude – I ain’t coming out of here any time soon. Sorry man.”
Kid: “Daddy, should I go in the trash can again?”
That’s right “AGAIN.” I only wished I’d arrived earlier to have met the father of the year.
Lee eventually emerged from the bathroom and kept thanking me for helping him out. It was at that point I realized that what I THOUGHT Lee was sized as was about 10 sizes smaller than Lee actually was. He couldn’t get my shorts up over his butt and the sweat shirt missed covering his belly by about two uncomfortable inches. Also he had about four inches of heel over lay with the flip flops. It was a sad sight, but Lee was so grateful to be clean that he hadn’t a care in the world. On the way to the car Lee realized that he’d left his keys in their car, so I had to drop him off at Lala’s aunt’s house for him to wait until Lala was done with the wedding. He expressed how embarassed he was about doing so, because they were all going to make fun of him – forever. Which is when I told him he just has to own that shiz:
“When they come home, and start to talk shit… just sit there in silence, let them go on and on. Eventually, they will come to a plateau in laughter because they will want to get you to talk about it – when they do, be silent for a moment, look them dead in the face and say:
‘I told you.
I wasn’t going.
To that wedding.’ ”