This is a story about “Lee,” my best friend Lala’s, ex. Lee was a skater man-boy that worked at the furniture plant. He was never an intellectual type and he laughed and kinda looked like Barney Rubble, but taller and more human. Three times a year Lee’s work would have the cappuccino machines serviced. On the day that they were working on the machines you could have as much cappuccino, coffee and espresso that your body could handle – FOR FREE. This free cappuccino notion appealed to Lee a great deal. He drank and he drank… and he drank his weight in 4 varieties of cappuccino flavors and various coffee indulgences throughout his work shift. After work, Lee picked up my bestie’s brother and headed on over to meet us at our work, Victoria’s Secret, located in the mall. It was April Fool’s Day, so you can bet your ass that we could not believe the following to be a real happening. But it was.
We were working on the demo cart (the little cart of fragrance at the door of Victoria’s Secret shoppes) when we were approached by mall security.
“Miss, do you have a husband named, Lee?” the security guard asked Lala
“Please follow me.”
We had noticed the mall cops putting up the yellow caution tape at the mall exit, just across from the shop for about twenty minutes prior to security visiting us. Lala followed the security down to the exit. Security then said:
“Miss, your husband is in this remote bathroom. He’s had an accident. He’s going to need you to get him some pants and shoes.”
“What?” said Lala. Mostly because she was like if he was in a car accident, how the hell is he in that bathroom… and why are you telling me about it?
“Your husband… forgive my French, he shit himself. He shit himself real good.”
At this news my bff starts howling laughing. But they weren’t kidding. So they asked her to go into the one stall remote bathroom and comfort him. She did, which is when she found out how the whole thing rolled out.
Lee was running late. Lee decided to push through the 30 minute ride to the mall instead of just using the bathroom. Lee got to the mall, pulled into the fire zone left the car idling with Lala’s brother inside. Lee ran into the mall having remembered the remote one stall bathroom was there. He had to fight his skater pants the whole way. The strain was just too much for the oncoming mud butt. As Lee struggled to run through the mall, he began to leak. Then the flood gates opened en route. Lee panicked as he sat inside the stall. His pants and shoes were covered in feces, so he couldn’t leave to tell Lala’s brother what happened. Eventually a small boy wandered into the bathroom and was waiting patiently for the stall. Lee yelled out “Hey little dude, I’m trapped. Can you go to the exit and tell the boy waiting in the car to turn the car off and come here.” Remarkably, the kid did. It was about that time that security noticed this substance all over the floor and began to tape the place off. I mean, it was like a CSI investigation. There was tape all over that bitch with little floor marker cones. They initially assumed it was oil. That assumption makes me LOL to this day because we were in a friggin mall – why would there be oil slicks just randomly appearing out of thin air? Anyhow, Lala bought some clothes for Lee and they went home for the day.
While this story is amazing enough to stand on its own, I feel it’s worth mentioning that Lee shit himself three additional times that year. All on free cappuccino day. He managed to avoid going to a wedding, a Wutang concert and a family reunion all thanks to having shit himself silly. I will be writing about the wedding one next, in Mud Butt, part 2.