I PityDaFoo’ Who Steals My Amy’s Bowl!

Someone has been stealing frozen lunches from the community fridge in the break room at work. Whoever it is knows they are stealing too – because everyone writes their names on their food. I haven’t felt the wrath yet. I would like to believe it is for one of two reasons; A. Because I am too awesome to want to steal anything from -OR- B. Because upon hearing of the missing food antics – I began to leave messages for the thief:

 “Your daily horoscope: 1. Eat Bowl: I will cut yew | 2. Don’t Eat Bowl: Live FOREVER! 🙂 N “

“You will want to keep this frozen for your black eye. ❤ Nicole”

” (You don’t want this to be your last meal, now do you? 🙂 Love, Nicole )”

“I will cut yew – and then I will giggle. xoxo”

You have been warned.

I pity da fool who steals my Amy’s!

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Excuse Me While I Kiss This Guy!

I was driving home today, jammin’ to the radio, as usual. Upon hearing “Whistle” by Flo Rida, my innocent mind was like “What the heck does he have a whistle for? Why would anyone blow on some stranger’s whistle… ut oh… oh, oh Flo Rida, you so naaaaasty…”

This got me thinking about how I have a knack for misinterpreting song lyrics. Problem is, when I finally do learn the actual lyric, it’s way too late to correct the wrong lyric in my brain. Once introduced to ridiculousness, my brain won’t accept anything less than ridiculous for replacement of previously learned and accepted-as-fact knowledge.

What lyrics have you been singing totally wrong, or misinterpreting the meaning of? If you are one of those people that played “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder at your wedding, or busted out with “There’s a bathroom on the right” when singing along with CCR, then you’re just as effed up as me! Here are some song lyrics that I still sing the way I initially interpreted them, even though I know I’m totally wrong. (The actual song title and artist is listed after the associated pic.)

I can’t butter shit around here!

“Better Man” by Pearl Jam “Can’t find a better man…”

Ya know… originally off the coast of Africa!

“Rock You Like a Hurricane” by The Scorpions “Here I am, rock you like a hurricane…”

It was easier to tag the toe I suppose.

“I’d Die Without You” by PM DAWN “Since I, died without you…”

Side Note: My best friend and I called 102 Jams radio station in Greensboro, NC with these lyrics – they asked us to write a whole song verse. We did, and they played a sound byte of us singing it for a month. It was awesome!

Who can blame you?!

“Miss You Like Crazy” by Natalie Cole “I miss ya like crazzzzy…”

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

“Dirty Deeds” by AC/DC “Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap…”

Oh Stumpy, you are a card!

“The Stroke” by Billy Squire “Stroke me, stroke me
Could be a winner boy you move mighty well…”

Better take some Monkey Nyquil.

“Down with the Sickness” by Disturbed “You mother get up
Come on get down with the sickness…”

Spam, the other white meat.

“Informer” by Snow “Informer
You know say Daddy Snow me, I’m gonna blame
A licky boom-boom down…”

Zom- bees?!

“Thriller” by Michael Jackson “‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about strike…”

The penis wants what the penis wants, and the penis wants a genie.

“Venus” by Bananarama “Well, I’m your Venus, I’m your fire
At your desire…”

Planes, Trains and Buttholes

To say I am a nervous flyer, would be an understatement. Sometimes I get nervous just seeing those death cans flying through the sky. “WATCH OUT BITCHEZ, YOU GONNA FALL OUT THE SKY, DAWGS! THIS IS JUST WHAT THE AMISH WARNED US ABOUT!!!”

Watch out!

So with that mental painting,  it was during a trip to Chicago that something so awesome happened that it filled the majority of my flight with laughter instead of boyfriend-ball-grabbing-to-stabilize-the-plane fear.

It’s a fact, JACK!

We arrived at the airport terminal. (Side note: I wish they didn’t call them “terminals” – it sounds way too dead! Help me keep hope alive, airport designers!) As always, I was nervous as shiz so I decided to use the bathroom for the 300th time in the two hours we had been at the airport.  I left my lover at the gate with my Auntie Anne’s pretzel sedative. (It’s mainly for my glaucoma, and I have a prescription.) When I got to the bathroom, the line was out the door – 20 people, easy. So I waited. I noticed that a woman who had been walking by our gate earlier was in the handful of people immediately in front of me. I remembered her because she was wearing the craziest shoes, bright azz yellow pants, and a weird top. Totally couture-esque items. A very odd ensemble for an afternoon at the airport. I noticed her immediately because she could barely walk in her odd wedge shoes, and her high-heel wobble -walk was very distinctive. Cut two, she’s 5 people in front of me in the bathroom line. I could only see the back of her and the lights were those weird bluish halogen ones in the silver can… they’re like light but not very bright at all, so I kept adjusting my eyes at what I was seeing. Her pants, bright-azz pineapple colored pants, did not appear to cover her butt. The waist came to right below what seemed to be a few inches of her butt crease. Her shirt, pirate-like, flowy and lower in the front than the back – did not compensate for the foot of back-ass gap. She was a very dark color and it was shadowy in the bathroom – so where her skin was, I found myself starring at it like one of those 3d images where you have to relax your eyes to see the image.

Stare at the center for a moment, then move your view slightly and the colors will appear to wiggle around…

“Is this fatback? Is this butt top? Is it a dolphin leaping in front of Saturn?”, I pondered. Then, Pineappley Cruize bent over. And I saw it. Her butthole. As in, the pants were so tight it was pressing her buttcheeks apart and up, and her butthole – or should I say butt-whole was exposed. I couldn’t believe that I was seeing what I was seeing. I blinked. I focused. I blinked. I wondered if I had had a mental break from the stress of flying… I tapped the shoulder of the woman in front of me. She and her baby were both in a stone-faced stare in the direction of The Booty. I needed confirmation.

“Excuse me, is that her…”

“Yep. That’s her a-hole. Just out there. I wish I’d never tried to figure out what it was because I stared right into it.”

I started giggling. A lot. I looked around for anyone else that may be wondering if it was her butthole too. I totally OMG Cat-ted. They were ALL wondering. I was hoping we could all break out in high fives about our discovery, like any good 80’s movie would have done, but I settled for validating head nods. Outside, I did my best to remain calm… but inside – inside I was going all Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch announcing her exposed buttonhole to the world! When I finally made it back to my lover at the gate, he could not believe what he was hearing. Mainly because only every other word was audible amidst my fits of laughter. On a side note, to this day, bish doesn’t know that I know he ate my pretzel during the chocolate starfish distraction. But I do know that shiz. I KNOW IT!

Special TSA Announcement

McKayla is not impressed…

In case you have been under a rock, the Olympics are in the ass-end of its summer existence as we speak. In celebration I am posting this Olympics-inspired piece.

Apparently, McKayla Maroney (US gymnast) lost the gold at the London Olympics. When she stood up to receive the silver, her facial expressions lead those watching to believe she was “unimpressed.” This lead to many articles like:

http://olympics.yardbarker.com/blog/olympics/article/

mckayla_is_not_impressed_meme_goes_viral_online/11409664

and even inspired a tumblr dedicated to making images of her:

http://mckaylaisnotimpressed.tumblr.com/

It’s pretty fun to make them and it’s all the rage among the cool kids – so download the tumblr file and do it! Share your links in the comments or on the FoghornUnicorn Facebook fanpage! http://www.facebook.com/FoghornUnicorn

DJ Hermione Poppins and I have submitted quite a few already, here are some of mine:

Re: McRib

McRib is unimpressive.

Re: Mars Landing /dude with a mohawk

Mars stinks.

Re: final Harry Potter

Yawn.

Re: Waldo

Not looking.

Re: Space Bags

Boo.

Re: Twilight Saga

For-nuthin. Not going.

Lucky Charm Marshmallows Man

Baby and Monkey don’t trust McKayla’s impressiveness

And lastly, SPIDERMAN ON BROADWAY!

So he flies through the air on Broadway. Boo.

 

Coworkers with iPods

We got a new co-worker this week. His name is Randall. Randall likes to listen to his music super loud, like we all subscribe to his iPod. Normally, I would just ignore something like this – but today it reached a whole new level of loud and time endurance – so I messaged my bcw4e (best co-worker forever), Penny.

I didn’t know Michael Bolton had the same problem! Small world!

Penny was out at a meeting, thus missing the Randall party shuffle so I sent the following to her in response to her inquiry about the level of loudness:

Randall managed to hit the pause button whenever he got a call. When he did, I just sang whatever lyrics came to mind in my best voice impression of no one:

Randall didn’t give a shit. He kept on keeping on. So I was forced to do this:

That’s right, I Grobaned him. (I was mouthing the words “OH LOOK AT ME” as I imagined myself making it to the top of a mountain singing “You raise me up” into a 360 helicopter camera shot a la Bon Jovi in Blaze of Glory, but I digress.) Randall got really quiet after this, so now I know religion makes him nervous. Which is why I will spend the rest of the week convincing him that I am completely over the moon religious. I have chosen to go with that snake dancing religion. I’m going to call it “Onomonopianist” because I don’t know what the real religion is, and I wouldn’t want to offend anyone with my lack of knowledge about their life path. I started the plan immediately – when my other co-worker asked what I was doing after work, I announced “GOING HOME TO TALK TO JESUS ABOUT MY DREAMS- that Groban really got me thinking, ya know?!” They knew I was up to no good (and joking). However, Randall did not.

Check and mate, Randall. #YOU-WILL-NOT-BREAK-ME-BECAUSE-I-AM-A-WILD-PONY!

Since I imagine me and bcw4e Penny, and bcw4e#2 will have many interactions that I post about here, I would like to take a moment to introduce you:

BCW4e! *hearts and flowerz and unicorn sparklez*