FU: It’s in the mail!

It’s official, the crappy magnets are in the mail! I thought of the most magical way that I could send these (as I imagine a unicorn would never settle for anything less than magical when it came to mailing shit) and this is what I came up with:

Magic Kingdom in the house!!!

I outfitted each envelope with retro stamps. Mainly because I have a shit load of stamps I bought in 2005 and I don’t mail letters very often ever. Smith assisted me in depositing the letters into the official Magic Kingdom Walt Disney World mailbox:

RETRO STAMPS TAKE FLIGHT!

I will have you know, the entire park celebrated the departure of your mail with a giant fireworks display, after the sun went down…

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

Look for them in your mailbox soon! Thanks again for participating and congratulations! 😀

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Winner! of the FU Crappy giveaway contest…

After a much longer deliberation than I could have anticipated,  I could only boil it down to two favorites, so WE HAVE A TIE!

Sara‘s entry was cat-tastic! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpl5mOAXNl4

Magnet Luvr made me lol with this entry. Bonus: it was about unicorns: http://www.funny-games.biz/pictures/2791-the-origin-of-unicorns.html

Congratulations! This crap is on its way to you soon:

OMG everyone* wants this!

Thank you Autumn, Fabo, JNo and Mishi for entering! All the entries were great and it was hard to choose the winners. SO by showing your support for FU with your participation I would like to offer you consolation magnets!

To all the winners, please check your inboxes for an official FU email on how to claim your prize! 

Thanks Again,

Nicole@FU

Cruise Pick Up

As some of you may have read, my Aunt and Uncle flew in to celebrate my birthday for a week, and boy were their arms tired then it was off for a week to themselves on a Caribbean cruise with the Carnival Freedom. Smith and I have been debating whether going on a cruise would be fun or not. I’ve been on boats, big boats – small boats and that was good times, but lock me in a cabin for 7 days and I may lose my mind. (Have any of you gone on a cruise? Where, when, who, how, etc. in the comments!) So when we had the opportunity to wander over and pick them up from their recent voyage, we jumped at the chance to see them again and hear about life on the high seas. Originally, they were scheduled with a van service to transport them around town for a few hours and back to the airport that evening for their flight back to Chi-town, BUT Smith and I developed a super-secret plan to surprise them at the port!

First, we rented a car (because we have small cars that do not understand people+ luggage = normal everyday occurrence) so it was off to the airport, where we met this lil dude, while we waited for the bus to the car place:

The quote is what our friend said when he saw the pic. Pure. Genius.

There were three cars for us to choose from at Alamo. A Jeep, a Kia and a Hyundai. We chose the Hyundai (Santa Fe) because it was loaded and smelled like Heaven inside. I can’t be positive, but when I opened the glove compartment I think I heard babies’ laughter and smelled cotton candy. Anyhoo, it was at the Alamo Car Rental, that I learned the difference between Smith and I.

I: Would just get into the rent-a-car of my choosing, which means whichever I thought looked prettiest. I might check the mirror to see if I could see myself. It would be about 2 minutes between ass-in-seat and peeling outta that place like a mullafugga to find a place that sells Snapple.

However,

Smith: Inspects the car. Looks at mileage. Looks for any indicators he doesn’t understand so that he can look through the manual. Tests things… like the horn and lights…

If we had done this pick up with me driving, we would have been SOL because I am a thirsty moron and he is a genius. For some reason, in the Santa Fe, when we turned the headlights on – the horn started… in a constant lay-down-the-law-and-look-at-me blare. We were perplexed. “Is this a Korean safety feature?” We turned off the car and tried again. Key in. Engine on. Cross fingers. Turn switch…

—HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK—-

Long story short, I ended up asking the night crew, security, and then everybody at Hyundai of California’s service department: “If you turn on the lights, should the horn go off… forever?” I heard a LOT of people laugh for minutes on end as they transferred me around so that I could demonstrate the steps that makes the horn honk. In the end we sacrificed the smell of utopia and plush seats for the comfort of not dying on the freeway at night. The Kia Sorento was like the Santa Fe’s younger brother – who looks totally the same but there is just something different about him. I think I was only initially bummed with the switch because my buttcheeks felt freer in the Santa Fe. I should write them a note about adding that feature to the manual.

The Kia Sorento was nice and comfortable!

It was pretty amusing to hear the night crew laughing and testing the car in the distance as we pulled away from the lot. We were finally off to meet adventure! When we left, in the wee morning hours, as the sun came up it looked like this:

Sunny sky delight

But by the time we arrived at the boat, the bottom fell out and it looked like this:

Welcome back, hope you bought a duty-free towel!

Eventually it cleared up and we got to enjoy a GREAT day with the A&U “eating all of the things,” as Paula would say, while taking in the local scenery and wild life.

Lizardous Maximus with Curly Tailitus

Blue and Gold Macawzilleous

Alas, it was time to say our goodbyes at the airport, pretend I wasn’t crying, and get back on the road. Four hours later, we were filling up the car to prepare for the drop off, when I over heard this girl:

“Like Oh Emm GEE!”

She was talking into a little bluetooth device in her hand, but had her car synced to her phone… so her Phone-a-Friend (unbeknownst to said friend, I’m sure) was divulging her innermost secrets via Hot Pant’s blasting car stereo system for all of the airport 7-Eleven to hear. At first, I thought one of the clerks must be talking to a customer via the outdoor speaker thingy – but then came the sentence bomb:

P-a-F: “So, then I… I totally had some sex with him.”

Hot Pants: “Like, oh emm gee – why did you have sex with him?”

P-a-F: ” ‘Cause I wanted some sex, but he is weird.”

Hot Pants: “Oh emm gee, you know he is weird about that stuff!”

I am sure Phone-a-Friend would be mortified that I know the inner workings of her vagina’s weekend. We were headed back to the airport before their conversation was over, so I may never know why P-a-F sleeps with weirdos.

Back at the car depot, we had to wait for the bus to take us back to our car, somewhere out near where Jesus lost his sandals.

NO CLASS…BUS

I think the sign was trying to start a hate crime with me, and giving me three middle fingers. It’s not MY fault her vagina was exposed!

It was an awesome day but I MISS MY AUNT AND UNCLE! </3

😀

Herman the Magical Turtle

Once upon a time, there lived a magical turtle…

Turtle in da house!

Herman was born in captivity. Eleven years ago, Herman went to live with the Unicorn after a certain man-boy named “Lee” decided he didn’t want the gift from his wife, Lala’s, vacation trip to a Myrtle Beach “Buy a Turtle” store. In any case, the Unicorn was happy for the twist of fate that brought Herman to her. After all, Herman was adorable and all alone in the world!

While Herman liked to do all sorts of things, he particularly loved doing a few things most.

1. Clearing the rocks from the one side of his tank to the other:

“It’s MY tank, I’ll do what I want!”

2. Taking baths:

Calgon, take me away!

3. Diving under “majestic waterfalls.”

Oooh! I must be in Hawaii!

Herman lived his life as quite the man turtle. He drank 40’s, bench pressed things in his tank – prison yard style, ignored wussy turtle rules like : “A turtle does not grow as to exceed the size of one’s tank.” (He was the size of a half dollar when the stork brought him – now he’s the size of an IHOP triple stack.) One day, Herman’s Unicorn mother was faced with the facts: Herman, was not a Herman. Herman was just a Her—.

The plot thickens!

And so “Herman” became “Hermione.”

We’re suggesting the change slowly:

Huh?

FU Crappy Giveaway Contest!

Your fridge is about to be awesome-o 5thousanded!

Ladies and gentleman, (I say “man” because I’m pretty sure there’s only one dude following this – and he may or may not have been bribed with a crisp $5 bill from my lovely boyfriend…) I have some official Foghorn Unicorn magnets! One of them could be yours! I know this may not seem exciting, but I urge you to consult the graph below for reassurance that it is, in fact, very exciting!

Whoa, that’s science!

How to win the official Foghorn Unicorn magnet valued at an estimated One Billion Dollars*:

Leave a comment/reply (on this post) that makes me chuckle. In a word, link to a meme, a sentence, a short story, link to a photo, an observation… whatever you choose. Best giggle wins. All giggles will be shared on the official Foghorn Unicorn Facebook page.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?!

This is a chance for you to be exposed to tens(10’s) of people*! Whoa!

Contest ends Friday, Sept. 21 so that the endorphins of your win propel you into a weekend of celebratory euphoria*!

OMG everyone* wants this!

*May be an exaggeration.

GOOD LUCK! Let the giggles begin!!! 😀

—UPDATE—

Okay, I’m getting some feedback on “how to play.” If you are wondering how to play this game, you’ve already over-thunk this. It’s really this easy:

Step 1: You laugh at something… a picture on FB, a phrase, a joke, etc.

Step 2: You share that something in the comments below

Step 3: You make me laugh because of that same something

Step 4: You win! (And all of your dreams in life come true!)*

Secret Game Cheat code: Up arrow + A button = I laugh at most everything

Yes it maybe nonstandard, but sometimes you can use “thunk” and still have gone to college: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/thunk

What the eff are people doing on Facebook?

Over the past few weeks, as I see various news feeds roll in on Facebook, I have noticed that almost any Friend you have on there can be summed up as follows.

Some are exactly as they are in person. These people shall, henceforth, be referred to as “The Bidens.” These are my favorite of Facebookers. They are exactly as they are in real life. They write as they would talk, they share online as they would if you were sitting next to them. In other words, they’re the shit, so take a big whiff.

(No these are not actual posts!)

Others are always depressed as shit about everything they ever post. I refer to this type of status update tactic as “Sad Clowning.” Mostly because I like to imagine they look like this as they muster up the will to type out their update:

“My feelings run so deep that they are falling out of my ass.”

Sometimes these Sad Clowns trick us into thinking they need help solving a problem, only to then give us 85 reasons why their problems are totally irrational unsolvable.

Pull up Sad Clowns, you’re in a nose dive.

It is important to not confuse these “Sad Clowns” with the equally negative “Yosemite Sams,” the latter are distinguished by being all fired up about something. A common phrase among Yosemites might be “research the facts!” (Even though the only “research” they’ve conducted themselves involves something they overheard someone saying, somewhere, at some point in time.) In short, most of their updates are about kicking something’s or someone’s ass – even though in person most of them can’t handle confrontations and kiss more butts than your average cigarette addict.

What in tar-nation?

Then there are those that are always full of shit, in every dang post, by gawd. This shall, henceforth, be referred to as “Over Swifting.” Most of their status updates are about how uniquely awesome they are, or some kind of quote insinuating that only *they* are smart enough to hold the keys to the secrets of life. (Even though you and I both know they have bad credit, an alcohol addiction and can’t pay their mortgage.)

“I AM SO MUCH MORE AWESOME THAN YOU!”

Lastly, there’s the ever-endearing “Douche Flute.” This type of Friend likes to post a shit-ton of pictures of themselves drinking alcohol or posing in their sexiest of manners. Please stop. No one should have to see your nipples that much.

100% Pure Beef!

I’d say of all the Facebook status update personalities, it’s a tie between the Over-Swifters and the Yosemites for who makes my ass twitch the most.

In conclusion, if you are on Facebook, please be more Biden. It is sure to pay off for you in life. Thank you.

~I’m FoghornUnicorn, and I approve this message.

A Unicorn Haul

Excuse my absence as I have been celebrating my birthday like a mullafugga. This story isn’t particularly “funny” but it is self-gratifying because it is mostly about me and cake. Yep, that’s right, my birthday happened – people were flying in to visit, cupcakes were consumed, and the gifts… oh the gifts… yeah we’re gonna talk about this.

To kick off the birthday celebrations my lovely took me to ol’ Disney World, and got us the game of LIFE, Disney’s Haunted Mansion edition. Let me tell you, they had me at tiny houses and hitchhiking ghosts! Of course, I have gone on to lose 4 out of the 5 times we’ve played, but I recommend it because I like rainbow spiny wheels. I think I could master this shiz if I could stop randomly picking the role of Maid every time, from a freshly shuffled deck no less, but I digress.

Life: Disney’s Haunted Mansion style

My best friend sent me a unicorn pillow pet “Dream Lite” – DID YOU HEAR THAT?! As seen on tv, bitchez!!! Oddly, every time the commercial was on I would exclaim “THERE’S NO WAY THAT THING DOES THAT! I DECLARE PILLOW LIGHT BULLSHIZ ON THIS!” To which my lovah would say, “Aww baby, do you want that?” Damn it if he doest know my inner monologue “YES I FUGGIN WANT THAT!” Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised at it’s rockin’ status! It lights up the ceiling of my adult vaulted ceiling bedroom like the dickens with stars, moons and unicorn head (there’s only one – not uniporn or anything)! It’s cute too! If you have kids or child-like totally normal adult friends like me, you should buy this for them!

My brother insists that his horn is a penis.

A related tidbit: The Dream Lite arrived in a “Babies R Us” package on my doorstep. Initially, I assumed it was something I had purchased for Penny’s new baby but I popped the lid and was like “AH SNAP THIS SHIT IS MINE, I’M KING OF THE WORLD!” as I hoisted the package over my head – which made my boyfriend, Smith, giggle pretty good.

My aunt and uncle flew in to spend the week with us. It ended up being a food tour, and we ate everything that ever existed, in every nation. I don’t believe my uncle has gone on “vacation” since 1996 – but I think he will be back, because he enjoyed Benihana of Tokyo, Raglan Road’s bread pudding, and sleeping in our pool everyday for 2-12 hours.

THIS UNCLE JUST GOT OWNED, SON!

I found this shirt at Wally World, and gave it to myself. It still counts as a bday gift ’cause it was on my bday and it’s awesome.

Honey Badger don’t give a shit. Click me to see why this is funny. Also, get out from under your rock.

I wore it to Epcot. We ate in Morocco and the servers kept asking me about it:

Server #1: “You like the honey, yes? Honey is good.”

Me: “Well, yes I like honey, but this is the Honey Badger, do you know him?”

Server #1 as #2 joins in: “Honey badger love the honey too, yes? Honey is good. The honey is, yes. He is right.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know if he eats honey, but do you know YouTube?”

Server #1,#2 and #3 onlooking: “You too? Yes, I love the honey.”

Me: “No, YOU TUBE? Honey Badger is a video on there… look it up, it’s funny”

Server # 3 “OH, yes! You Tube Honey Badger make GRRROWL GROOWL I LOVE THE HONEY!” *Makes claw hands in scratchy motion* as Server #1 and #2 enthusiastically await my reaction

My reaction =

@_@ ?

Server #2 hands me taziki as peace offering, or because he felt we bonded about the honey thing…

Anyhoo, here are some other random photos of my life without you:

Best boyfriend and birthday celebration vacation, ever!

In other news, does anyone have any idea what the eff is happening in this commercial? I saw it 40 million times over vacation and I still don’t get it.

Good to be back! Hollah at cha boy dot com! ❤