As some of you may have read, my Aunt and Uncle flew in to celebrate my birthday for a week, and
boy were their arms tired then it was off for a week to themselves on a Caribbean cruise with the Carnival Freedom. Smith and I have been debating whether going on a cruise would be fun or not. I’ve been on boats, big boats – small boats and that was good times, but lock me in a cabin for 7 days and I may lose my mind. (Have any of you gone on a cruise? Where, when, who, how, etc. in the comments!) So when we had the opportunity to wander over and pick them up from their recent voyage, we jumped at the chance to see them again and hear about life on the high seas. Originally, they were scheduled with a van service to transport them around town for a few hours and back to the airport that evening for their flight back to Chi-town, BUT Smith and I developed a super-secret plan to surprise them at the port!
First, we rented a car (because we have small cars that do not understand people+ luggage = normal everyday occurrence) so it was off to the airport, where we met this lil dude, while we waited for the bus to the car place:
The quote is what our friend said when he saw the pic. Pure. Genius.
There were three cars for us to choose from at Alamo. A Jeep, a Kia and a Hyundai. We chose the Hyundai (Santa Fe) because it was loaded and smelled like Heaven inside. I can’t be positive, but when I opened the glove compartment I think I heard babies’ laughter and smelled cotton candy. Anyhoo, it was at the Alamo Car Rental, that I learned the difference between Smith and I.
I: Would just get into the rent-a-car of my choosing, which means whichever I thought looked prettiest. I might check the mirror to see if I could see myself. It would be about 2 minutes between ass-in-seat and peeling outta that place like a mullafugga to find a place that sells Snapple.
Smith: Inspects the car. Looks at mileage. Looks for any indicators he doesn’t understand so that he can look through the manual. Tests things… like the horn and lights…
If we had done this pick up with me driving, we would have been SOL because I am a thirsty moron and he is a genius. For some reason, in the Santa Fe, when we turned the headlights on – the horn started… in a constant lay-down-the-law-and-look-at-me blare. We were perplexed. “Is this a Korean safety feature?” We turned off the car and tried again. Key in. Engine on. Cross fingers. Turn switch…
Long story short, I ended up asking the night crew, security, and then everybody at Hyundai of California’s service department: “If you turn on the lights, should the horn go off… forever?” I heard a LOT of people laugh for minutes on end as they transferred me around so that I could demonstrate the steps that makes the horn honk. In the end we sacrificed the smell of utopia and plush seats for the comfort of not dying on the freeway at night. The Kia Sorento was like the Santa Fe’s younger brother – who looks totally the same but there is just something different about him. I think I was only initially bummed with the switch because my buttcheeks felt freer in the Santa Fe. I should write them a note about adding that feature to the manual.
The Kia Sorento was nice and comfortable!
It was pretty amusing to hear the night crew laughing and testing the car in the distance as we pulled away from the lot. We were finally off to meet adventure! When we left, in the wee morning hours, as the sun came up it looked like this:
Sunny sky delight
But by the time we arrived at the boat, the bottom fell out and it looked like this:
Welcome back, hope you bought a duty-free towel!
Eventually it cleared up and we got to enjoy a GREAT day with the A&U “eating all of the things,” as Paula would say, while taking in the local scenery and wild life.
Lizardous Maximus with Curly Tailitus
Blue and Gold Macawzilleous
Alas, it was time to say our goodbyes at the airport, pretend I wasn’t crying, and get back on the road. Four hours later, we were filling up the car to prepare for the drop off, when I over heard this girl:
“Like Oh Emm GEE!”
She was talking into a little bluetooth device in her hand, but had her car synced to her phone… so her Phone-a-Friend (unbeknownst to said friend, I’m sure) was divulging her innermost secrets via Hot Pant’s blasting car stereo system for all of the airport 7-Eleven to hear. At first, I thought one of the clerks must be talking to a customer via the outdoor speaker thingy – but then came the sentence bomb:
P-a-F: “So, then I… I totally had some sex with him.”
Hot Pants: “Like, oh emm gee – why did you have sex with him?”
P-a-F: ” ‘Cause I wanted some sex, but he is weird.”
Hot Pants: “Oh emm gee, you know he is weird about that stuff!”
I am sure Phone-a-Friend would be mortified that I know the inner workings of her vagina’s weekend. We were headed back to the airport before their conversation was over, so I may never know why P-a-F sleeps with weirdos.
Back at the car depot, we had to wait for the bus to take us back to our car, somewhere out near where Jesus lost his sandals.
I think the sign was trying to start a hate crime with me, and giving me three middle fingers. It’s not MY fault her vagina was exposed!
It was an awesome day but I MISS MY AUNT AND UNCLE! </3