What the eff are people doing on Facebook?

Over the past few weeks, as I see various news feeds roll in on Facebook, I have noticed that almost any Friend you have on there can be summed up as follows.

Some are exactly as they are in person. These people shall, henceforth, be referred to as “The Bidens.” These are my favorite of Facebookers. They are exactly as they are in real life. They write as they would talk, they share online as they would if you were sitting next to them. In other words, they’re the shit, so take a big whiff.

(No these are not actual posts!)

Others are always depressed as shit about everything they ever post. I refer to this type of status update tactic as “Sad Clowning.” Mostly because I like to imagine they look like this as they muster up the will to type out their update:

“My feelings run so deep that they are falling out of my ass.”

Sometimes these Sad Clowns trick us into thinking they need help solving a problem, only to then give us 85 reasons why their problems are totally irrational unsolvable.

Pull up Sad Clowns, you’re in a nose dive.

It is important to not confuse these “Sad Clowns” with the equally negative “Yosemite Sams,” the latter are distinguished by being all fired up about something. A common phrase among Yosemites might be “research the facts!” (Even though the only “research” they’ve conducted themselves involves something they overheard someone saying, somewhere, at some point in time.) In short, most of their updates are about kicking something’s or someone’s ass – even though in person most of them can’t handle confrontations and kiss more butts than your average cigarette addict.

What in tar-nation?

Then there are those that are always full of shit, in every dang post, by gawd. This shall, henceforth, be referred to as “Over Swifting.” Most of their status updates are about how uniquely awesome they are, or some kind of quote insinuating that only *they* are smart enough to hold the keys to the secrets of life. (Even though you and I both know they have bad credit, an alcohol addiction and can’t pay their mortgage.)


Lastly, there’s the ever-endearing “Douche Flute.” This type of Friend likes to post a shit-ton of pictures of themselves drinking alcohol or posing in their sexiest of manners. Please stop. No one should have to see your nipples that much.

100% Pure Beef!

I’d say of all the Facebook status update personalities, it’s a tie between the Over-Swifters and the Yosemites for who makes my ass twitch the most.

In conclusion, if you are on Facebook, please be more Biden. It is sure to pay off for you in life. Thank you.

~I’m FoghornUnicorn, and I approve this message.


2 thoughts on “What the eff are people doing on Facebook?

  1. Good stuff, here! I’ve recently been teaching some private students (here in Taiwan) about classification essays, so I could use this one as an example of how to group FB’ers together!

    Thanks for checking out my post, too!


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