What Not To Be For Halloween

As a girl, Halloween can be a time of great inner turmoil;

“What should I be?”

“What can I be that no one else with think of?”

“How can I be the absotively cutest me possible and still wear somewhat sensible shoes for the shit ton of walking I will be doing downtown?!”

Deep inside, I would say the majority of us girls long for fun costumes, where we can display our unique sense of wit, style and humor… only to be quickly bridled by our feminine side. That bitch is yearning to feel sexy, look pretty and by gawd, to set them boobies free! It is a tale as old as time itself.

Oh gawd, is no one dressing traditionally sexy this year?!

Most of us have likely had the year where we were like “screw it, I want my best friend and I to be Wayne and Garth and gawd damnit, we’re going to be the best dang Wayne and Garth this side of the Mississippi!” Then you showed up to a party or a club to be ignored by dudes for that damn sexy, buttcheek-baring Alice in Wonderland!

Likely the only time you’ll be comfortable being something goofy.

Damn you, Alice!

Personally, I haven’t done the funny/odd costume. The closest I got was dressing up as a goth girl… with cute makeup and pink hair. Even though I think the quirky costume would be MUCH more fun to execute than the sexy counterpart, I have elected traditionally girly costumes because I already feel like a little dude most days – because I am forced to shave way too much and my hair is cut kinda short… yeah, it’s really only a matter of time before I’m able to rock a boner all on my own.

So believe me girls, I feel ya, but we have come to a point in time where our costume choices are fugging up the space time continuum and life on this planet, as we know it, may never be the same again. We have tried to get the best of both worlds by combining the sexy with the oddest of odds. In doing such, we have finally flown too close to the sun on wings of pastrami. We have blown the fuse on the “what is okay to make sexy” box.

With that said, I found the following costumes. I am almost speechless about them. I cannot figure out why this is happening. I have been taking showers like that dude in The Crying Game just to try to wash the memory away- but these things cannot be unseen. Worst yet, they can’t be unmade. They’re made, and they’re selling like hot cakes, and it’s all our fault, ladies.

Sexy Bert and Ernie:

What in the eff, Bert?!

Sexy Burger:

I can see her sesame seeds! WHY? WHY?!

Sexy Angry Bird:

You’ll be an angry bird when photos of you wearing this shit surface in a few years.

Sexy Big Bird:

Oh no she di’int!

Sexy Corn:

Guess who’s showing up in your own poo tomorrow- surprise, it’s you!

Sexy Potato Head:

Easiest way to stay single.

Sexy Mario and Luigi:

I “mustache” you to stop.

I could go on, but I don’t want to throw up in my mouth. Ladies, you may think you’re being cute by wearing one of these, but you are sure to end up boning the dude that works the fryers at Carl’s Junior. It won’t even be the best fryer dude, or the loner one with potential, it will be the one who’s only there because he likes to get high so much that he can’t afford to buy his own fries. Allow me to outline your night in 4 easy steps:

1. You get to the club, rocking your mustache and plunger

2. Get ignored by all the cute dudes

3. Get drunk

4. Do the walk of shame in the morning from fryer guy’s mom’s house.

Do you know how hard it is to do the walk of shame with a plunger? Don’t worry, you’ll find out.


10 thoughts on “What Not To Be For Halloween

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