Happy Thanksgiving! 😀
I know that many of you will be hitting the bricks tomorrow at crack ass o’dawn a.m., all in efforts of finding the perfectly priced gift for all the lovelies in your life. Please dress warm, stay hydrated and note: when you are out freezing your lady garden and man mounds off for $50 Kindles – I will likely be drooling on Smith’s pillow in our toasty bed – but I implore your efforts! I’m just not cut out for the thug life that is Black Friday. I tried once. It was Radio Shack in the early ’00s. I got up at 3 am for a $15 PDA organizer. I made it to the store, half awake and in my pajamas. Line was long, it was freezing and I didn’t even park. I turned my baby blue Geo Tracker around, hauled azz home and I’ve never looked back. Anyhow, back to you – the Black Friday Chuck Norrises of the world: I would like to take this opportunity to promote your giving gifts of the magically delicious unicorn variety. I have gathered a few of my favorite samples thereof below.
For the make up lover:
Apparently unicorn farts are a mixture of cotton candy and spearmint. Too crass? Perhaps you should opt for the Unicorn Pee flavor then?
” Unicorn Pee tastes like a party that bananas, coconuts, chocolate, almond and peppermint were invited to…”
For the gamer:
If you are short on cash, you could give lovelies a free/ .99 cent unicorn gift. Download the Robot Unicorn Attack game (by Adult Swim) on your loved one’s iPads and iPhones – or just be lazy and send them the free link. Hey, maybe you just don’t love them enough to go the extra .99 cent mile, I can’t judge you. It’s a beautiful game, with a sound track that will make you feel like you are galloping through The NeverEnding Story. Unfortunately, just when you embrace the beauty of it all, you will die – and you will make unicorns cry.
For the Brony:
Rainbow Dash is always a great choice for your bronies. While Rainbow Dash lacks a horn, it’s pretty safe to assume she was likely the victim of a hate crime and is, in fact, a unicorn. There is just way too much rainbow happening there to be anything else. Buy her in doll form (as pictured above), or in this spank-worthy awesome hoodie version:
For the animation lover:
I have access to a sweet ass supply of these lil dudes at Universal Studio’s Minion’s ride (From the movie Despicable Me). If you’re interested, hit me up in the comments and I’ll see how I can get one to you…
It really is “so fluffy” and adorable. Smith got me this as a blog mascot. 😀
For the hipster, or for Smith to get me <HINT HINT>:
For the serious, no-farts-allowed person in your life:
A Swarovski unicorn from Zale’s! If you know me, you know my accessories are always Swarovskied to the bejesus because that shit twinkles like the dickens, I tells ya! Girls and twinkles just go together like ladies and… jelly.
For the fine-art connoisseur on your list:
How’s about a Prince riding a unicorn painting? (This is the shit that made the doves cry…17 dove tears of pure awesomeness!)
And finally, for your favorite foodie:
There is no possible way that you could go wrong with these. Buy a “shitload.” That is all.
To my Black Friday-ers: stay safe out there! And for goodness sake boys, be sure pad the penies! Girls will be throwin’ ‘bos like no one’s business and you won’t be able to celebrate a great deal with a bruised testicle!