Art Miami, aka that time I crapped quinoa for 5 days.

Had you begun to wonder if I’d been abducted by ninjas? Fear not! I was MIA in MIA…mi on some shoots with Smith. Please enjoy this photo of the cutest dog ever, seemingly taking a little nap a top a pile of trash. (He got to go with us on our road trip! 🙂 )

He's actually in his bed, but stole our coats to make it fluffier.

He’s actually in his bed, but stole our coats to make it fluffier.

If you have never been to Miami, think of it as the penis hole of Florida. That’s how I like to think of it anyway. So when I find myself in a crappy part of town I’m like; “Well, it’s not THAT bad, for a penis hole, that is.”

All we are is piss in the wind...

All we are is piss in the wind…

Every December, Art Basel takes over the town. It’s like a high-end art fair that takes place all over the city but mainly in the convention center (Art Basel) and GIGANTIC tents at the 31st Street and 1st Avenue block area (Art Miami).

VIP bitchez!

VIP bitchez!

I got real intimate with these tents, I was all up inside every nook and cranny… so much so that I’m pretty sure I could pleasure Art Miami in a sexual way if I had to. Overall it was pretty cool. There was new art and old art, performance art – where I saw a girl running around with her boobies painted gold, galleries represented from all around the world, strange women in furs – in the sweatiest city on the east coast, mind you , so good luck to them with that.

While there is art, and artists, and art lovers – I found the price of the various shows to be a bit inflated, as is the price of everything in Miami. Anyhow, most passes to the art tents/shows, which allowed you to walk around the tent with a guest, were $100. Does that seem high to anyone else? It would be like paying $100 to go to the mall, if the mall were in a tent and smelled like weed and Cristal in some areas.

Overall, I enjoyed seeing the art and seeing that this art event is so popular. You can read about what celebrity I saw here.

Here’s some of the art I liked, if I had an extra $50,000 laying around I could have bought it all. Please note, apparently I am fond of bunnies when unicorns aren’t available:

Diamonds!

Giant diamonds!

Take us to your leader...

Take us to your leader…

Somebunny ask for 4' bunnies?

Somebunny ask for 4′ bunnies?

Goth bunny with mouth that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Goth bunny with mouth that makes me feel uncomfortable.

This is made of buttons hung on string! Crazy!

This is made of buttons hung on string! Crazy!

I loved this one...

I loved this one…

If you are planning a trip to Miami, here’s a short FU travel guide:

1. Prepare to valet almost everywhere you want to go. There might even be valets for the valets, and that’s some inception type shit goin’ on there. Valet ranges from $5- $35.

2. Just because the price is listed as “price” it does not mean that is the final price you will pay. You should buffer your internal bill tally costs by $15 at nice dining restaurants, and by $100+ in hotel costs, if you are staying on actual South Beach.

3. Hotels

Where NOT to stay:

The Shelbourne on South Beach. It’s the biggest rip off ever, all in hidden fees. Like the $36 complimentary breakfast fee, $30 per day resort fee (they’re not a resort) and the $27 for not purchasing your in-room bottled water fee. These are not exaggerations. Also, if you book a room for under $350 you will be staying in Shit Taco Towers, the unrenovated, low-rent, run-down apartments that look as they likely did when they inspired Little Shoppe of Horrors or Slum Dog Millionaire.

Stay Close Enough:

Try the Double Tree if you’d like to stay Downtown Miami. It’s seconds from the freeway so it makes getting to Lincoln Road and South Beach pretty easy. They’re nice rooms, with a great staff in a high rise of luxury condos that people own. The price is the price and the staff is very agreeable. Great valet too! They even gave Smith a cookie when he walked up to the desk to check in.

Me: “What’s that?”

Smith: “It’s my check-in welcome cookie.”

Me: “Did they think you were a small boy?”

Smith: “No, they just thought ‘I gotta get this guy a cookie!'”

For THE BEST HOTEL IN MIAMI, if you’re not Missy Elliot (aka not willing to pay $900 for a suite at the gorgeous Le Fontainebleau or the Viceroy – we’ve been in both and the rooms are very similar to this little gem):

The Element by Westin. It’s near Miami international and it’s beautiful, safe and even allows you to bring along your canine companions! The staff was awesome too. Oddly enough it’s down on the water near the shipyards – which would normally be where someone would find your body. Not in Miami, it actually felt safe compared to most areas and was totally gated and… beautiful. Stay there! It’s around $200 a night for your own clean, modern apartment with a full kitchen to boot!

Modern and awesome!

Modern and awesome!

Z-man enjoyed the view from the back of the couch!

Z-man enjoyed the view from the back of the couch!

Plus it’s in walking distance from El Farto cafe. I don’t know what they serve, but I am damn sure bitchez got beans… and no English speaking friends to run their “possible restaurant names” list by.

El Farts in the house!

El Farts in the house!

Please don’t burn this mother down, it’s my only hope for hap-peniss in the penis hole.

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