An awesome friend of mine has a daughter who has “become a woman.” Talking about it with her has made me think back to when I was that age and all of my friends were dropping like flies into the monsoons of their lady gardens – so I have decided to make a quick post to let you young ladies know, “it gets better.”
How to manage:
A. I like to refer to the area in a comical manner. “Lady Garden” seems to suit it well. No one wants to be clinical when it comes to discussing things with anyone that isn’t a doctor. Even with a doctor I struggle to be clinical without throwing up in my mouth a little. Referring to it as your Lady Garden, or some other quirky name, makes it way easier to joke and discuss the happenings therein with your friends. Note: Well before the term “Lady Garden” was officially adopted, my Grandma referred to it as a “Muffin” and your “Muffin Basket.” Which I always found hilarious. To this very day I use the terms interchangeably.
B. Therefore that “time of the month” can easily be stated as “It’s raining in my lady garden” or “I have soggy muffins.”
C. Pads, tampons, various accoutrements associated with your Lady Garden/ Muffin Basket are to be known as “party favors.” Then no one ever has to overhear you asking anyone for anything. “I forgot my party favors, do you have one?!”
D. Speaking of tampons – wait ’til you go to college for those things. Or be like me and kinda wait ’til you graduate college and you panic because a group of friends with a boy your interested in book a vacation in a tropical beach oasis where you’ll have to wear a swimsuit nearly every day. Either way, you’ll need to buy some extras and practice… by “practice” I mean lock yourself in the bathroom yelling out “AAAAAKKK WHAT IS HAPPENINNNGGG????” for 30 to 75 minutes of uncomfortable joy. Tip: If at any point after you put it in, you can still feel it, you’re doing it wrong. You gotta be sure to push that party favor to the top of the mountain or you’re sure to fail the expedition.
E. Everyone is freaking out about it. If “they” ever make fun of you for anything it’s because they’re terrified of whatever it is happening to them. So in that sense if anything embarrassing ever does happen, you’re kinda like a super hero who lived to tell the tale! Also, if they’re making fun of you in general it’s probably because the weren’t hugged enough as a child – or they have a secret hairy mole that their parents lovingly named Petunia. Anyhoo, be strong young padawan.
F. Find a partner in crime that can “spot check” for you. Come up with a code phrase like “Do you *know* when football season starts?” *wink wink* Then you can scoot out and let her check to see if your Lady Garden fountain has sprung a leak. (Know that 97 out of 100 times it has NOT. We’re just paranoid.)
G. You know that tiny useless pocket in your backpack or purse that’s good for nothing? Well it’s good for hiding the holy grail of emergency party favors. I had a friend that would wrap them up in a piece of aluminum foil incase it ever accidentally fell out of her bag while onlookers were present.
I think a cheapo eye glasses case works wonders. One day you’ll grow to be unashamed and stash them in your boyfriend’s car door, or in your tiny azz purse for all the world to gaze upon, like me!
There may come a time….
1. There may come a time that you spring a leak while you are waiting in a lobby for your best friend and designated spot checker to get out of advisor counseling. Even though you are wearing jean shorts and drinking a Blue Coconut Route 44 slush that you guys got on happy hour at Sonics that matches the color of your jeans perfectly, do not try to dye your pants in the handicapped stall of the school bathroom. This plan ends in disaster because you have to wet your entire shorts in order to make it look like you didn’t just pee yourself by only trying to dye the “affected areas.” Also, it’s cold in there and you miss out on the rest of your delicious half-priced slush.
2. There may come another time when a friend is hip hopping through the school giving Friday end-of-day shout outs to everyone she knows with (unknowingly) her pad sticking out of her short’s leg. Do not panic. Run over to her, back her into the lockers, give her your gym shirt and tell her “Do not ask any questions, tie this around your waist and go to the bathroom… NOW!” You guys will still have time to call your mom to pick you both up because you missed the bus home.
3. There may yet still come another time that your friends all plan a trip to a water park while it is about to rain in your Lady Garden. This is a time you may want to investigate using the torpedo of party favors, or avoid going in the water past your knees. Whatever you do, do not ride “The Black Hole” high speed water slide with a pad on. You go in looking like the Queen and come out looking like a brick layer… or a brick smuggler to be more accurate. Luckily, you found someone to walk behind you while you hurry to the bathroom to panic and marvel at the amount of water one of those things can soak up.
Keep in mind, the best way to get through anything difficult is to know that someone else got through it too. Share your embarrassing stories with your friends that embarrassing things happened to. It will make them feel better and both of you will always know that with a little laughter, “it <always> gets better!”