CHEF starring Jon Favreau

Chef!

I went to see the movie CHEF today, starring the lovable Jon Favreau. Usually when you see a movie with a SHIT-TON of stars on the roster, it’s sure to suck the butt- need I mention the trauma I endured for having over-expected delivery for the flick Valentine’s Day? It’s my own damn fault, but still! CHEF, however, did NOT suck the butt. It didn’t suck the anything- unless there’s some metaphor for sucking something that’s a good context. (Eaaasy.) CHEF was quite fun. It was a slice of life for anyone that’s ever been passionate about anything, lost their path, found it again, been on top, dreamed new dreams… seriously, it was endearing and funny and overall very entertaining!

Without giving any spoilers basically Jon Favreau plays a talented Chef (his roots are in creating edgy cuisine) who’s stuck in a rut of being forced to go against his gut. He has haters and believers, and John Leguizamo plays a funny supportive sidekick to The Chef. It’s worth noting that you could literally hear people’s balls dropping when Robert Downey Jr showed up. (My balls dropped too, and I’m a chick so how the hell did he do that and where are my balls now?!)

I AM IRON BALLZ!

A word of caution: this movie is Food Porn. I had heard of food porn before, I thought I had seen food porn at one point or another- ya know, like maybe in college or something when I was young and impressionable. But I, in fact, now realize I had never seen ACTUAL food porn until this movie. I’m not really a “foodie,” so it made me feel dirty. It wasn’t even run of the mill Facebook status food porn, it was full on HARD-CORE-Don’t-Look-it-in-the-Eye-or-You’ll-Turn-to-Stone Food Porn. I am telling you this because I totally saw a hashbrown’s vagina, the d!ck of some mojo pork, countless sandwich boobies, and a whole orgy of side ingredients. You won’t understand any of this until you see the movie, then you’ll be like “THAT IS A HASHBROWN’S VAGINA! SHE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT!”

ACK! It’s so moist!

By the way, that hashbrown vagina looked at me like she knew me, then I had a flashback to my mother playing hopscotch in the third grade, and that shit is IMPOSSIBLE so you do the math. Personally, I could have done without ALL the hard core food porn, but the movie IS called Chef, after all. My lover, Smith, and my friend, Mary Tyler Moore2 were quite vocal about wanting to eat all. of. the. things., so I believe the graphic action will satisfy the foodies out there.

If you like independent type movie stories, and would like to see a boat load of celebrities not sucking, go see CHEF- you’ll love it!

HERE’s THE TRAILER!

On Facebook: Chef The Film

 

Boy Scouts Done Lost They Mind!

We live in a neighborhood – and in said neighborhood we have “The Scouts” – Girls and Boys. Having been a Girl Scout, when fundraising season comes along I certainly don’t mind Smith handing out seven bucks for a box of Caramel Delights – or that he buys enough Thin Mints to keep himself sustained long after the apocalypse – but Boy Scouts?! You guys have lost your badge-loving minds. WHO CHARGES $55 for popcorn?! Are the Boy Scouts run by crazy people? Who’s making this popcorn? One Direction and the 1996 cast of Friends? Listen, this is not Mayflower times. Corn is no longer “the hot new thing on the streets,” so stop charging us like these nuggets are made of gold.

But she taught y'all how to make that shit!

Damn, that’s cold. She taught y’all how to make that shit.

If I had to sustain myself with popcorn, I’d be dead by lunchtime… of boredom. There aren’t even fortunes or magical gems in this stuff. Every year y’all sucker us in by sending those lil cuties around in their tiny neckerchiefs, but y’all won’t get me again. I KNOW HOW TO PRETEND I’M NOT HOME LIKE A CHAMP!

Ding Dong – no one’s home, chumps!

Come back after hurricane season and I will give you my Chef Boyardee cans, but until you guys stop thinking you are selling popcorn to Donald Trump, I ain’t buying. Hmm popcorn or gas for the month – which should I choose? Doi. How’s about I just give you ten dollars, you make some cookies and keep your popcorn for the rich and famous?

Additionally, y’all better start waving back after fundraising season is over or I’m turning the sprinkler settings on randomize. Acting like you don’t know my ass – but bishes gotta offload some kernels and all the sudden it’s like “Oh Hi, Miss Nicole!” Then a month later I wave and y’all act like I’m passing out candy bars and puppies from a van with no windows.

Shut up, you live next door and I baby sat you twice.

Game. Set. Match. I WON’T BE FOOLED AGAIN!

P.S. The winter theme on the tin was lovely.

How to Tie a Tie – In 5 Easy-NEVER

Any other girls ever curious about how to tie a tie? As a child, I was always fascinated watching my Dad magically turn a piece of oddly shaped cloth into a beautifully tied knot. I think because my Dad was a business man and not really the creative type – so seeing him whip the loose ends of the tie around so purposefully and artistically made me think he was some kind of secret artist I’d never heard of. (Because he was secret, you see.) You’d think with that much fascination that I would have been tying ties all my life like a mullafugga, right? Wrong. Tie knot instructions are lost on me. Let me take you through learning to tie a tie with me in “five easy steps.”

STEP ONE: “Cross the wide end over the narrow, then slip the wide end up between the tie and the collar, then simply drop it back down.”

My reaction to step one: I’m excited! —> “Oh yeah! I always wanted to do this… like professionally! Here’s my chance! Okay, concentrate!”

STEP TWO: “Wrap the wide end behind the narrow end from right to left.”

My thoughts: “Hmm I’ll read a few more steps and then find me a tie! Yes! This is gonna be awesome! I’ll be tying everyone’s ties! They will know me and my tie knots throughout the land! Gasp, maybe I’ll even invent a knot! HOLY CRAP!…”

STEP THREE: “Bring the wide end in front and over the loop between the collar and tie.”

My thoughts: “Eff this, I’m out.”

Then I go eat a bunch of chocolate and contemplate my life choices.

Not even sorry.

Luckily Smith can tie his own, or I can tie him a nice bow-like tie, as if it was intended for a present – which could totally work around the holidays.

Can you tie a tie? THEN SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET OUTTA MY FACE!

😉

Cordially Yours,

FU

If you’d like to learn to tie a tie, try Esquire (5 steps, in images like above).

Thankful Thursdays!

Today, I am thankful for…

Letting that crazy colored school bus out in front of me.

Sir Gus. He's just that royal.

Sir Gus. He’s just that royal.

And yes, he’s totally a real-azz camel hanging out of the emergency exit on a moving school bus. You can’t tell that camel what to do!

Also thankful for…

Having pets that seem to enjoy dressing up for Halloween. Or at least, don’t eat my face off when I approach them with something strange that I then put on their body.

Howdy, m'am. There will surely be shit in your shoes in the AM for this.

Howdy, m’am. There will surely be shit in your shoes in the AM for this.

SherrifZ

Come on, he totally looks like he’s enjoying this!

 

Having gotten to see Sigur Ros and Nine Inch Nails mere weeks apart!

Sigur rocked my non-existent balls off.

Sigur rocked my non-existent balls off.

 

NIN!

NIN!

Speaking of NIN – did I ever tell you that I made my mom go see them? She was talked into seeing Marilyn Manson with a group of co-workers and had “a lovely time” so I thought well, NIN she ought to “love to pieces” then, right? She’ll be cross stitching “NIN” on everything in no time, right?! Wrong. It changed her. It also made her expect larger gifts from me at Christmas. Additionally, she’s now convinced that Trent Reznor has a chain of hidden cameras mounted in public restrooms across the continental United States, and that said public restrooms have now become a “hip place where everyone is humping.” No amount of explaining could convince her otherwise.

I’m also thankful for this meme texted to me as it related to conversation from Penny:

Stuffed Crust Pizza

Stuffed Crust Pizza

And for our mutual friend, Ernie thinking that “sleeping in” is defined by being able to meet and coordinate a group outing 40 minutes away at 11:00 in the morning:

(We asked if we could have nachos, but Ernie had her own agenda.)

(We asked if we could have nachos, but apparently Ernie had her own agenda.)

Happy Thankful Thursdays y’all! Now get out there and be somebody!

Thank You Thursdays!

When I realize it’s Thursday, (because normally I do not know what day of the week it actually is and I go by “it feels like a Tuesday today” kind of logic) I’m going to make a conscious effort to post something I am thankful for- because “Thankful Thursdays” sounds good and I’m going to make this a universal thing just like that time when I made short busses come into style. With that, today I’m thankful for the ability to find humor in most anything. It always makes life entertaining. Let me share a few random places that have left me with the giggles lately:

1. This quote from Michael Scott on The Office about a character he made up and cried about for a non-existant movie he never made:

He had no arms or legs. He couldn’t see, hear, or speak. This is how he led a nation.

*This* is how he led a nation? *This* is? That just makes me lmao!

2. That time I saw an ice cream truck that read “Watch out for the childrens.” That’s right, “childrens” – with an s. How many dang kids are eating popsicles there that “children” needs to become more plural?!

WAIT FOR ME ICE CREAM MAN!

3. This girl’s reaction to seeing her spotty coverage map on this Verizon commercial:

What the hell am I seeing right now?!

4. This meme @SngleMomConfssn posted about diets:

JUST SHUT UP!

JUST SHUT UP!

5. The sign burning out on our Embassy Suites, to only reveal “Assy Suites” (Forgive the blurriness, Smith was driving at the speed of light and I took this shot right before we blasted back in time.)

Dang, I gotta mini fridge and a writing desk - these suites is assy as hell! *4 stars*

“Dang, I gotta mini fridge and a writing desk – these suites is assy as hell!” *4 stars*

6. Inspirational Mr. T on a unicorn:

Follow your dreams, fool!

7. And this “What I gotta put this on, #PowerRanger?” quote from this girl about it being to hot out side this past summer. (NSFW – language)

Bahaha! Laughing is good. Anyhoo – find something that makes you laugh and share it today! Happy Thank You Thursday!

Your Lady Garden and You – a magical journey.

An awesome friend of mine has a daughter who has “become a woman.” Talking about it with her has made me think back to when I was that age and all of my friends were dropping like flies into the monsoons of their lady gardens – so I have decided to make a quick post to let you young ladies know, “it gets better.”

It gets better, ladies.

How to manage:

A. I like to refer to the area in a comical manner. “Lady Garden” seems to suit it well. No one wants to be clinical when it comes to discussing things with anyone that isn’t a doctor. Even with a doctor I struggle to be clinical without throwing up in my mouth a little. Referring to it as your Lady Garden, or some other quirky name, makes it way easier to joke and discuss the happenings therein with your friends. Note: Well before the term “Lady Garden” was officially adopted, my Grandma referred to it as a “Muffin” and your “Muffin Basket.” Which I always found hilarious. To this very day I use the terms interchangeably.

B. Therefore that “time of the month” can easily be stated as “It’s raining in my lady garden” or “I have soggy muffins.”

C. Pads, tampons, various accoutrements associated with your Lady Garden/ Muffin Basket are to be known as “party favors.” Then no one ever has to overhear you asking anyone for anything. “I forgot my party favors, do you have one?!”

D. Speaking of tampons – wait ’til you go to college for those things. Or be like me and kinda wait ’til you graduate college and you panic because a group of friends with a boy your interested in book a vacation in a tropical beach oasis where you’ll have to wear a swimsuit nearly every day. Either way, you’ll need to buy some extras and practice… by “practice” I mean lock yourself in the bathroom yelling out “AAAAAKKK WHAT IS HAPPENINNNGGG????” for 30 to 75 minutes of uncomfortable joy. Tip: If at any point after you put it in, you can still feel it, you’re doing it wrong. You gotta be sure to push that party favor to the top of the mountain or you’re sure to fail the expedition.

Yeah, you’re doing it wrong.

E. Everyone is freaking out about it. If “they” ever make fun of you for anything it’s because they’re terrified of whatever it is happening to them. So in that sense if anything embarrassing ever does happen, you’re kinda like a super hero who lived to tell the tale! Also, if they’re making fun of you in general it’s probably because the weren’t hugged enough as a child – or they have a secret hairy mole that their parents lovingly named Petunia. Anyhoo, be strong young padawan.

F. Find a partner in crime that can “spot check” for you. Come up with a code phrase like “Do you *know* when football season starts?” *wink wink* Then you can scoot out and let her check to see if your Lady Garden fountain has sprung a leak. (Know that 97 out of 100 times it has NOT. We’re just paranoid.)

Wink Wink.

G. You know that tiny useless pocket in your backpack or purse that’s good for nothing? Well it’s good for hiding the holy grail of emergency party favors. I had a friend that would wrap them up in a piece of aluminum foil incase it ever accidentally fell out of her bag while onlookers were present.

Nothing to see here, it’s just some tin foil!

I think a cheapo eye glasses case works wonders. One day you’ll grow to be unashamed and stash them in your boyfriend’s car door, or in your tiny azz purse for all the world to gaze upon, like me!

There may come a time….

1. There may come a time that you spring a leak while you are waiting in a lobby for your best friend and designated spot checker to get out of advisor counseling. Even though you are wearing jean shorts and drinking a Blue Coconut Route 44 slush that you guys got on happy hour at Sonics that matches the color of your jeans perfectly, do not try to dye your pants in the handicapped stall of the school bathroom. This plan ends in disaster because you have to wet your entire shorts in order to make it look like you didn’t just pee yourself by only trying to dye the “affected areas.” Also, it’s cold in there and you miss out on the rest of your delicious half-priced slush.

Blue Coconut Slushes For EVERYONE!

2. There may come another time when a friend is hip hopping through the school giving Friday end-of-day shout outs to everyone she knows with (unknowingly) her pad sticking out of her short’s leg. Do not panic. Run over to her, back her into the lockers, give her your gym shirt and tell her “Do not ask any questions, tie this around your waist and go to the bathroom… NOW!” You guys will still have time to call your mom to pick you both up because you missed the bus home.

Nothing to see here, folks.

3. There may yet still come another time that your friends all plan a trip to a water park while it is about to rain in your Lady Garden. This is a time you may want to investigate using the torpedo of party favors, or avoid going in the water past your knees. Whatever you do, do not ride “The Black Hole” high speed water slide with a pad on. You go in looking like the Queen and come out looking like a brick layer… or a brick smuggler to be more accurate. Luckily, you found someone to walk behind you while you hurry to the bathroom to panic and marvel at the amount of water one of those things can soak up.

Nope, nothing.

Keep in mind, the best way to get through anything difficult is to know that someone else got through it too. Share your embarrassing stories with your friends that embarrassing things happened to. It will make them feel better and both of you will always know that with a little laughter, “it <always> gets better!”

hehehehehehehehehehe

Grandma’s Cleaner

YOU WILL!

YOU WILL!

The doorbell rang at about noon today. Smith, wearing only one sock answered the door. I should offer that he was fully clothed besides the one sock, but please know that I debated informing you of that for at least 3 minutes. It is unclear to me why he was only wearing one sock, but he had been wearing just the one sock for at least 3.25 hours by my guestimation. I was cleaning so I did not proceed to the door. Come to think of it, I usually never go to the door because I am almost always in my underwear. Don’t you judge me, I like to stay nimble incase of a fire or natural disaster. Anyhow, from where I was I heard the following:

Smith: “Mumble mumble”

Man Voice: “Good! Mumble Mumble?”

Smith and Man Voice: “Grumble grumble mansounds.org”

I then heard them both giggle as they went outside and closed the front door behind them. I thought: “I wonder if they were talking about I can has a cheesyburger.” (cause that’s what I giggle about 8-15 hours of my normal day to day.)

(How can you not laugh about this?)

10 minutes later Smith came storming into the house from the garage exclaiming “QUICK! I need a squirt bottle! Where are the squirt bottles?!” (As if we have so many of them that there is some sort of room or storage space in our house just for storage of said bottles.) After pulling the contents of the under sink cabinet out, he retrieved a bottle and literally ran out of the back door with the squirt bottle in the air, “I’ll be back in a minute… I gotta… mildew! This is AMAZING!!!”

Hmm… was the visitor a scientist? At this point I was curious, but not curious enough to put on pants. Fifteen minutes after that Smith came back in to retrieve money. Five minutes after that he brought in a hot pink bottle of solution that he just bought off of, for all I know was, a vagabond.

Smith talked me into putting on pants to show me all of the things he and this strange man cleaned around our house to “put his solution to the test.” I was pleasantly surprised because when I say this stuff cleaned, it cleaned the shit outta some shit. Mold on bricks, gutters, break dust, the ground, a wall of something or other. It was pretty cool. I think Smith thought so too because he acted as if the solution was an Easter Miracle. He currently has the bottle “resting” on my side of the bed. The point of this story is, if someone comes to your door selling “Grandma’s Cleaner” put on some pants and buy that shiz. Then clean some shiz. You’ll be happy you did. Unless it turns out that this shiz is poison, but he literally squirted it in his mouth as part of his demonstration. Now I want to spray it in my mouth just to see if it tastes like strawberries. Which is likely how they used to knock off kings and shit back in the day. Well played, vagabond. Well played.

*squirts*

P.S. I found this guy selling Grandma’s Cleaner on YouTube. Smith said this wasn’t our guy, but that he was just as entertaining.

Happy Gangnam Holidays!

So here we are, and the weeks of holiday travel are upon us. Where did the time go? Just last Friday you were suckin’ on hot dogs at the 4th of July picnic and now you are mere moments away from getting to see a male family member throwin’ back some ‘nog dressed in only his dingiest of underwearz. Wherever you are this season please stay safe, be merry, find a time to laugh so hard that you pee at least 4 drops of joy-filled urine, taste the dang fruitcake, and for the love of gingersnaps make one of these for your family and/or friends!

Enjoy Smith, starring in A Very Merry Smith Gangnam Style Christmas at the link below:

A Gangnam Smithmas

Click for a Gangnam Smithmas or use the link below!

A Very Merry Smith Gangnam Style Christmas

Merry Kwanzannukahsmas!

What Not To Be For Halloween

As a girl, Halloween can be a time of great inner turmoil;

“What should I be?”

“What can I be that no one else with think of?”

“How can I be the absotively cutest me possible and still wear somewhat sensible shoes for the shit ton of walking I will be doing downtown?!”

Deep inside, I would say the majority of us girls long for fun costumes, where we can display our unique sense of wit, style and humor… only to be quickly bridled by our feminine side. That bitch is yearning to feel sexy, look pretty and by gawd, to set them boobies free! It is a tale as old as time itself.

Oh gawd, is no one dressing traditionally sexy this year?!

Most of us have likely had the year where we were like “screw it, I want my best friend and I to be Wayne and Garth and gawd damnit, we’re going to be the best dang Wayne and Garth this side of the Mississippi!” Then you showed up to a party or a club to be ignored by dudes for that damn sexy, buttcheek-baring Alice in Wonderland!

Likely the only time you’ll be comfortable being something goofy.

Damn you, Alice!

Personally, I haven’t done the funny/odd costume. The closest I got was dressing up as a goth girl… with cute makeup and pink hair. Even though I think the quirky costume would be MUCH more fun to execute than the sexy counterpart, I have elected traditionally girly costumes because I already feel like a little dude most days – because I am forced to shave way too much and my hair is cut kinda short… yeah, it’s really only a matter of time before I’m able to rock a boner all on my own.

So believe me girls, I feel ya, but we have come to a point in time where our costume choices are fugging up the space time continuum and life on this planet, as we know it, may never be the same again. We have tried to get the best of both worlds by combining the sexy with the oddest of odds. In doing such, we have finally flown too close to the sun on wings of pastrami. We have blown the fuse on the “what is okay to make sexy” box.

With that said, I found the following costumes. I am almost speechless about them. I cannot figure out why this is happening. I have been taking showers like that dude in The Crying Game just to try to wash the memory away- but these things cannot be unseen. Worst yet, they can’t be unmade. They’re made, and they’re selling like hot cakes, and it’s all our fault, ladies.

Sexy Bert and Ernie:

What in the eff, Bert?!

Sexy Burger:

I can see her sesame seeds! WHY? WHY?!

Sexy Angry Bird:

You’ll be an angry bird when photos of you wearing this shit surface in a few years.

Sexy Big Bird:

Oh no she di’int!

Sexy Corn:

Guess who’s showing up in your own poo tomorrow- surprise, it’s you!

Sexy Potato Head:

Easiest way to stay single.

Sexy Mario and Luigi:

I “mustache” you to stop.

I could go on, but I don’t want to throw up in my mouth. Ladies, you may think you’re being cute by wearing one of these, but you are sure to end up boning the dude that works the fryers at Carl’s Junior. It won’t even be the best fryer dude, or the loner one with potential, it will be the one who’s only there because he likes to get high so much that he can’t afford to buy his own fries. Allow me to outline your night in 4 easy steps:

1. You get to the club, rocking your mustache and plunger

2. Get ignored by all the cute dudes

3. Get drunk

4. Do the walk of shame in the morning from fryer guy’s mom’s house.

Do you know how hard it is to do the walk of shame with a plunger? Don’t worry, you’ll find out.

Houston We Have Opossum

Hello, I’m going to make you beat yourselves with your own shoes!

Two years ago, Smith was spreading some bags of mulch in the front yard. At the bottom of the stack, between the last two bags he found a baby opossum! It looked like a cute, tiny, weird kitten. We couldn’t figure out where the mother could be, or why she had left her baby in such an odd place. We assumed she was out looking for food or turning tricks to make ends meet. Baby opossum wasn’t scared of us at all. He just looked at us or slept while we worked around him. When we were finished with the yard work, we didn’t want anything to harm the baby in the mother’s absence, so I made a tiny opossum house out of a beer box and placed it over him. There was a tiny front door and tiny windows and tiny stickers. It was super cute. We checked on the little guy throughout the evening – but by morning, the house was abandoned with only a tiny tuft of opossum hair left behind.

Cut to, two months later I was laying in bed at about 3am, when I heard someone trying to break into our pool area! “Ah shit, this is it! Where’s my flashlight?! I gotta prepare for battle!” I nudged Smith awake with my hand over his mouth. Smith was like “muryesh?”

“Someone… is trying… to break in… listen…” I whispered.

“Ah hell nah!” Smith jumped to his feet and ran out half naked with a garden stake and my flashlight. (He clearly thought it was going to be vampires out there.) Side note: that he sprung to action out of a dead sleep- that shit is brave as hell to me. I was just preparing to hunker down behind the bed crying “Now I’ll never get to see the iPhone 6!” until the burglars finally broke through the threshold. Then I would spring into ninja like kicks and tiger like scratching motions and slap fight them until my untimely demise. But not Smith, he’s my big strong man!

Smith snuck outside, and shone the light in the area of the noises. Much to my surprise, it was not the Taliban, it was a young azz opossum! Likely the same opossum from the front yard. He was trying to break into our roof gutter and appeared to be the Vin Diesel of opossums. Totally  BAO; bad ass opossum. Smith even tried to spray him with the hose to get him to leave, lil bastid didn’t even move – he just took it and shook the water off and looked at us. “That all ya got, bitches?!” Like he didn’t retreat or anything. Totally bad ass.

I tried to get a picture of him but I kept freaking out running away like a little bitch. My iPhone actually snapped a pic, mid bolt, to remind me of my weak constitution:

Warp speed!

Smith eventually got the lil guy to move to a tree and quickly developed a plan; Smith would get on the roof to chase BAO further into the tree and I would stand guard with the hose, to distract BAO, should the opossum become aggressive.

I look cute, but I will “pick you up with my mind vision and shake you like a dawg.”

What Smith didn’t take into account? That I would be the dude in those war movies, that’s sitting watch in the woods somewhere and keeps hearing sounds and eventually just mows down everything in a panic. RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

Tropic Thunder

I kept hearing that lil bastid in the trees, but it was so dark I couldn’t see him so I would just freak out and start shooting the shit out of everything. Every time I sprayed “the opossum,” it was actually Smith I was mowing down. Smith eventually said, in the nicest of ways; “Baby, if you spray me in the face one more time, I’m gonna snap.” Being the lookout for the opossum was hard, because you could smell him just before you could see him, and he’d just pop up like a wack-a-mole, sending me into a panic. This smell/sight /panic process is how I now imagine all those people who have met big foot must have felt like – just before they shit themselves.

This opossum, who I’ve lovingly nicknamed Lamonte, doesn’t know he’s “nocturnal.” Which is why I once came home at about 3pm to find Smith chasing Lamonte in the backyard, armed with only a sandal and a twig. Smith, not the opossum. Opossum don’t give a shit. I was like “What were you going to do if he attacked you? Beat him about the ass until he promised to move? What if he’s kinky?! You might as well just throw a welcome mat up there and get to tweaking your nipples!”

SO, we’ve been fighting this lil dude for 2 years now. Mainly because every pest place we’ve called wants to kill him – and we’re just not down with that. We don’t want him to go to meet baby Jesus, we just want him to find a home that isn’t our roof. Anyhow, Lamonte comes back to move into the gutter every 4-6 months. Must be like the official opossum sabbatical time frame or something. Yesterday, I saw Lamonte shimmy out around 2pm. I made the mistake of telling Smith, who quickly climbed onto the roof and began some “construction.”

Yeah, then this piece goes like this… yeah… perfect. HONEY, GET ME THE ELMER’S, WILL YA?

Lord only knows what Smith made up there. I’m too clumsy to investigate anything more that 5 feet off of the ground. He was on the roof from 2:10 to 8:15pm. Only stopping “construction” for 15 minutes to gather supplies at the Home Depot. Smith told me what he did up there- but mind you, Smith is like a mad scientist and I am a girl who gets distracted easily. This is a diagram I made for you to understand how I understand Smith’s opossum diverting construction to be:

I might have misunderstood or totally nailed it. Either way, good luck Lamonte, may the force be with you.

You know I made a special-tee for this! Click here > Opossum Tee