How to Tie a Tie – In 5 Easy-NEVER

Any other girls ever curious about how to tie a tie? As a child, I was always fascinated watching my Dad magically turn a piece of oddly shaped cloth into a beautifully tied knot. I think because my Dad was a business man and not really the creative type – so seeing him whip the loose ends of the tie around so purposefully and artistically made me think he was some kind of secret artist I’d never heard of. (Because he was secret, you see.) You’d think with that much fascination that I would have been tying ties all my life like a mullafugga, right? Wrong. Tie knot instructions are lost on me. Let me take you through learning to tie a tie with me in “five easy steps.”

STEP ONE: “Cross the wide end over the narrow, then slip the wide end up between the tie and the collar, then simply drop it back down.”

My reaction to step one: I’m excited! —> “Oh yeah! I always wanted to do this… like professionally! Here’s my chance! Okay, concentrate!”

STEP TWO: “Wrap the wide end behind the narrow end from right to left.”

My thoughts: “Hmm I’ll read a few more steps and then find me a tie! Yes! This is gonna be awesome! I’ll be tying everyone’s ties! They will know me and my tie knots throughout the land! Gasp, maybe I’ll even invent a knot! HOLY CRAP!…”

STEP THREE: “Bring the wide end in front and over the loop between the collar and tie.”

My thoughts: “Eff this, I’m out.”

Then I go eat a bunch of chocolate and contemplate my life choices.

Not even sorry.

Luckily Smith can tie his own, or I can tie him a nice bow-like tie, as if it was intended for a present – which could totally work around the holidays.

Can you tie a tie? THEN SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET OUTTA MY FACE!

😉

Cordially Yours,

FU

If you’d like to learn to tie a tie, try Esquire (5 steps, in images like above).

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Art Students Like Funyuns

My best friend, Lala is moving away to a magical island! We don’t live in the same state now, but for some reason thinking about her moving has made me nostalgic for our BFF experiences thus far, including college. I was an art student, she was a math major – but eventually she came to the dark side because we had cookies. I couldn’t have been happier because with us both in art classes together, they had two carbon copies of sparkly snarkdom at their immediate disposal. This post is a tribute to our college days!

WHEN SCHEDULING SAID THERE WAS ONLY ROOM FOR ONE MORE IN THE CLASS:

Stay real still, they won’t notice a thing.

“SHIT! THE C- PARKING LOT IS FULL AND WE’RE LATE!” :

Yeeeah, we’re gonna need to call security to get this out of this shit after class.

WHEN NEITHER OF US LOOKED AT A CAMPUS MAP WHILE ELECTING OUR FRESHMAN CLASSES:

Shit! I got side pains, yo!

WHEN IN ART HISTORY WONDERING WHY GHANT, A PROFESSOR BORN AND RAISED IN NORTH CAROLINA, HAS A BRITISH ACCENT:

What the shit?

(SKIPPING HIS CLASS TO GO TO THE OLIVE GARDEN):

Boo-yeah!

WHEN THE PROFESSOR LIKES THE CLASS SUCK-UP’S ART PROJECTS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSES:

TO THE TEACHER WHEN STUDENT REVIEWS FAVORED OUR ART WORK MORE THAN THE SUCK-UP’S:

I will cut a bish.

WHEN THE COLOR THEORY PROFESSOR WANTS TO KNOW “WHO’S ART IS THIS? THE COLORS ARE NOT MIXED REALISTICALLY…”:

“Psst… say it’s yours, I’ll buy you lunch.”

OUR REACTION HEARING WE WILL HAVE “MALE NUDE MODELS IN LIFE DRAWING TOMORROW”:

“Brown-chicken-brown-cow” (say it out loud.)

OUR REACTION WHEN THE OLD NUDE MODELS DISROBED IN CLASS, REVEALING MUCH MORE HAIR ACCUMULATION THAN WE HAD MENTALLY PREPARED FOR:

What is THAT?!

“NICOLE, PICK A PARTNER…”

O’tay!

WHEN VISITING THE RALEIGH ART MUSEUM FOR AN ASSIGNMENT:

*FARTS*

TYPICAL ART STUDENT:

Mmmrph…

US:

I’ll tell you what I want… “I WANT A SON!”

“YOU HAVE FOUR HOURS, THERE WILL BE ONE, FIVE-MINUTE BREAK, TWO HOURS IN. PLEASE OPEN YOUR BLUE EXAM BOOKLETS, NOW”:

Ah crap!

SEEING THE MEANEST, SKINNIEST CHEERLEADER FROM HIGH SCHOOL AT SUBWAY ON TATE STREET. NOTICING SHE GAINED 60 POUNDS AT COLLEGE:

MAKAELA AND THE DRINK MACHINE:

*drags out of classroom doorway by foot*

FAILING TEXTILES CLASS:

“WHAT’S A PELL GRANT?”

“It’s FREE MONEY!”

“I’M GONNA NEED THAT PELL GRANT BACK, IT WAS A MISTAKE”

“THE UNIVERSITY IS CLOSED DUE TO SNOW”:

NO EXAM TODAY, BITCHEZ!

PRESENT YOUR 400 REQUIRED DRAWINGS ASSIGNMENT FROM LAST NIGHT, THAT WAS ON THE SYLLABUS I GAVE YOU 4 MONTHS AGO, BUT NEVER REQUESTED OR DISCUSSED IN CLASS AT ANY POINT IN TIME:

Here ya go!

WHEN AN INSTRUCTOR PEEKS THEIR HEAD INTO THE DIGITAL LAB, HAVING HEARD LOUD LAUGHTER AND A SPONTANEOUS TWO-PERSON RENDITION OF A SPICE GIRLS’ SONG DOWN THE HALL:

Good luck, LaLa-Bean! I’m so excited for you and T! I miss you preeeeetty much every day from here anyways, so you can assume the trend will continue. ❤

Art Miami, aka that time I crapped quinoa for 5 days.

Had you begun to wonder if I’d been abducted by ninjas? Fear not! I was MIA in MIA…mi on some shoots with Smith. Please enjoy this photo of the cutest dog ever, seemingly taking a little nap a top a pile of trash. (He got to go with us on our road trip! 🙂 )

He's actually in his bed, but stole our coats to make it fluffier.

He’s actually in his bed, but stole our coats to make it fluffier.

Every December, Art Basel takes over the town. It’s like a high-end art fair that takes place all over the city but mainly in the convention center (Art Basel) and GIGANTIC tents at the 31st Street and 1st Avenue block area (Art Miami).

VIP bitchez!

VIP bitchez!

I got real intimate with these tents, I was all up inside every nook and cranny… so much so that I’m pretty sure I could pleasure Art Miami in a sexual way if I had to. Overall it was pretty cool. There was new art and old art, performance art – where I saw a girl running around with her boobies painted gold, galleries represented from all around the world, strange women in furs – in the sweatiest city on the east coast, mind you , so good luck to them with that.

While there is art, and artists, and art lovers – I found the price of the various shows to be a bit inflated, as is the price of everything in Miami. Anyhow, most passes to the art tents/shows, which allowed you to walk around the tent with a guest, were $100. Does that seem high to anyone else? It would be like paying $100 to go to the mall, if the mall were in a tent and smelled like weed and Cristal in some areas.

Overall, I enjoyed seeing the art and seeing that this art event is so popular. You can read about what celebrity I saw here.

Here’s some of the art I liked, if I had an extra $50,000 laying around I could have bought it all. Please note, apparently I am fond of bunnies when unicorns aren’t available:

Diamonds!

Giant diamonds!

Take us to your leader...

Take us to your leader…

Somebunny ask for 4' bunnies?

Somebunny ask for 4′ bunnies?

Goth bunny with mouth that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Goth bunny with mouth that makes me feel uncomfortable.

This is made of buttons hung on string! Crazy!

This is made of buttons hung on string! Crazy!

I loved this one...

I loved this one…

If you are planning a trip to Miami, here’s a short FU travel guide:

1. Prepare to valet almost everywhere you want to go. There might even be valets for the valets, and that’s some inception type shit goin’ on there. Valet ranges from $5- $35.

2. Just because the price is listed as “price” it does not mean that is the final price you will pay. You should buffer your internal bill tally costs by $15 at nice dining restaurants, and by $100+ in hotel costs, if you are staying on actual South Beach.

3. Hotels

Where NOT to stay:

The Shelbourne on South Beach. It’s the biggest rip off ever, all in hidden fees. Like the $36 complimentary breakfast fee, $30 per day resort fee (they’re not a resort) and the $27 for not purchasing your in-room bottled water fee. These are not exaggerations. Also, if you book a room for under $350 you will be staying in Shit Taco Towers, the unrenovated, low-rent, run-down apartments that look as they likely did when they inspired Little Shoppe of Horrors or Slum Dog Millionaire.

Stay Close Enough:

Try the Double Tree if you’d like to stay Downtown Miami. It’s seconds from the freeway so it makes getting to Lincoln Road and South Beach pretty easy. They’re nice rooms, with a great staff in a high rise of luxury condos that people own. The price is the price and the staff is very agreeable. Great valet too! They even gave Smith a cookie when he walked up to the desk to check in.

Me: “What’s that?”

Smith: “It’s my check-in welcome cookie.”

Me: “Did they think you were a small boy?”

Smith: “No, they just thought ‘I gotta get this guy a cookie!'”

For THE BEST HOTEL IN MIAMI, if you’re not Missy Elliot (aka not willing to pay $900 for a suite at the gorgeous Le Fontainebleau or the Viceroy – we’ve been in both and the rooms are very similar to this little gem):

The Element by Westin. It’s near Miami international and it’s beautiful, safe and even allows you to bring along your canine companions! The staff was awesome too. Oddly enough it’s down on the water near the shipyards – which would normally be where someone would find your body. Not in Miami, it actually felt safe compared to most areas and was totally gated and… beautiful. Stay there! It’s around $200 a night for your own clean, modern apartment with a full kitchen to boot!

Modern and awesome!

Modern and awesome!

Z-man enjoyed the view from the back of the couch!

Z-man enjoyed the view from the back of the couch!

Plus it’s in walking distance from El Farto cafe. I don’t know what they serve, but I am damn sure bitchez got beans.

El Farts in the house!

El Farts in the house!