How to lose weight with Jimmy Fallon

Jimmy Fallon came to Orlando, and it turned all Games of Thrones here in the City Beautiful. Alliances were made, bitchez were cut, someone showed their boobs – you get the idea. The Tonight Show mentioned tickets, and then all hell broke loose to get them. So much so, that I think we crashed their website because tickets went live, then went down and then went live again. Personally, I like to think that I was the one messing it all up because I was routed into EVERYwhere on every kind of device with wifi that I owned, hard core stalking for them tickets. Picture Seth Green in The Italian Job, that was me. Of all the Facebook talk about it- there were only about 4 of us that actually got tickets, and all 4 days of the show were sold out within 5 minutes of the launch- with a technical glitch on one of the sites lasting about 2 minutes, so yeah. I was excited! We secured 3 tickets so Smith and I could take our friend for her belated birthday. We chose the last day of filming because I thought it would likely be the most exciting.

Note to self: never buy peach colored shorts.

Note to self: never buy peach colored shorts.

When I found out Michelle took her Crazy Legs to the show a couple of days before, I hit her up for some tricks of the trade she learned on the road.  “Bring and umbrella and sunblock for the ginger <because he will die otherwise>,” she said. She was right, had we not brought an umbrella, Smith AND I would have bursted into a star and gone to live among the Great Bear and the Seven Stars constellation. When I pulled my magical umbrella out, you could hear people lusting to partake in my giant gerber daisy of shade- and I shared it (yeah, you shade thieves were all up on me… not too smooth with your shade stealing efforts, peeps. You need to watch The Italian Job.) But oh em gee – I can hardly blame them because in that sun, on a blacktop back lot, it was blistering without it! To make it extra uncomfortable for those without water or umbrellas (I was golden in this case because Smith spoils me), they unplugged all the giant fans. It felt like Universal was doing their own Divergent type of mind control training course back there. I was relatively comfortable and still was sweating from my elbows, so I can’t imagine how other people felt.

When The Tonight Show invites you to their show, Universal just decides to take over your whole damn day.

“Oh you want to see the show? Start sweating in your buttcrack and we’ll talk, Buddy.”

We had to be in line to retrieve our tickets from will call at 10, then after getting the tickets we had to be back in line by 3, show starts at 5, then after the taping we had to be at the concert venue by 8. So while we were at Universal, we couldn’t really do anything without it running into some time we had to be in line for something to do with the show. Let’s put it this way, when I left my house in the AM I was presentable, but when we started taping I looked like the toppins bird lady from Mary Poppins- and I was one of the comfortable ones! A dude with dreads in front of us lifted his arm at one point and the smell almost made Smith crap his pants, and that chain of events doesn’t even make sense. DIVERGENT!

Jimmy was flawless and so funny. The Roots are amazing, but you already knew that. Paula mentioned that the Wednesday taping wasn’t that great  – but ours was really funny, fun and Jimmy didn’t do any retakes, so smooth – it was literally like watching the show on tv, only really loud and with other people’s body odors that make your colon malfunction. I spent my time with Jimmy doing the robot when the crane cameras swept around.

“The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon in LOUD AZZ SMELL-O-VISION!”

Our guests were George Lopez and Pit Bull Pitbull, which at first I was like “Meh” as I’m not an actual fan of either of the guests- but honestly, George was really funny and Pitbull’s concert with The Roots as the band was AMAZEBALLZ. The show was a good time! I prayed Jimmy would go Oprah on us and just start popping off cars or trips to Australia, but he didn’t. We had special treatment so they let us into the concert venue before they opened it to the park, at which point it got REAL crazy out there. I had to push a drunk woman off of me using only her boobs. She got aggressive trying to drop elbows and steamroll me out of the way with those puppies (even though she had no wrist band and therefore shouldn’t have been up there anyhow) so I was forced to grab them padded c’s and force her back from whence she came. It was just as awkward and amusing as it sounds.

The Gates to Mordor

The Gates to Mordor

Ticket

My ticket, standing in the sweat lodge line

One pic and then they made everyone turn phones off so no more inside. :(

Only one pic inside, they had everyone turn phones off/no cameras allowed after we got seated. 😦

 

The Roots concert sound check

The Roots concert sound check

The Roots & Pit Bull about to take stage

The Roots & Pit Bull about to take stage

Jimmy! I couldn't get it to focus! :\

Jimmy! With them moving and us dancing I couldn’t get my phone to focus! lol

Jimmy in motion again lol

Jimmy in motion again TIMBERRRRRRR!!!

 

Pit Bull

Pitbull

Quest Love and Damon, Tuba Gooding Jr.

Quest Love and Damon, Tuba Gooding Jr. ❤ My favorites!!!

 

 

Knock Knock. Do You Vagina Be My Friend?

What year is this? Who’s the president? I feel like I have been gone for decades! *Emerges from hole in ground squinting eyes from the glare of the sun.* What should we talk about? I know, how about my freaking out every year when my doctor wants to get up in my lady garden? How ’bout that?

Have you ever seen any old, black and white movies? Preferably one that takes place in the dust bowl or depression. There’s always a point during any of them that a storm breaks out, and someone has to go check on the horse in their tiny ass barn. (Now that I think about it, in those movies there’s always a kid holding a can of beans and wearing a hat that’s too big for him… I’m sure that’s a metaphor for something to do with my vagina too. I’ll work on it.) Anyhow, the horse was always going bat shit crazy when the storm blows through and they have to send in some dusty horse whispering dude to calm her.

SWAT SWAT SWAT

Whoa girl, whoa… *holds out an apple or a carrot* there, there…

In this scenario, I am the horse… and the gynecologist is the horse whisperer. I suppose also in this scenario, the dust bowl could be my vagina, but that part isn’t really important.

I hate going to the doctor. I’m always afraid they’re going to tell me I have some disease, pull out a lego or a quarter that’s been logged in my vagina for 30 years, or a multitude of other embarrassing things like onset nervous or frightful farting- by me or anyone in the room really. Trust me, it’s a thing, I Google. Honestly, I’m only going to the doc regularly for birth control so that I can have the complexion of a 14 year old girl – so I don’t so much care about their “details.”  I definitely don’t care for them launching things into my “dust bowl.” I definitely have to restrain from laughing at the sight of two people’s faces huddled over my junk with a test tube. I guess the good thing is, based on their facial expressions my “muffin” is pretty run of the mill. In fact it may be so commonplace that it blends into it’s environment like a chameleon.

BOO!

Which I’m fine with because I long worried I had one of those rogue shelter vaginas that looks sweet and cuddly when it’s caged but let that bitch out and she’ll eat your face off.

My vagina co-starred in The Journey of Natty Gann

After I was done being probed and the doctor played on my boobies like she was scratchin’ a Daft Punk record at a dance club, they sent me down a long narrow ultra violet rayed hallway to pee in a cup. “Label it, urinate and then lock the cup in the tiny pass-through door.” This time, the person on the other side opened their side of the “confessional” before I had time to set my pee cup down and close my side. It startled me so much that I dropped my cup of magic juice and it magic rained a 3-7 pee drops. I started talking in a robot voice as I closed the door to my wrist and entertained them with my Thing -like hand blindly blotting urine like a crack head. I swear they planned that shit. *Hears patient opening tiny door, wait for it… PULL!*

I never stood a chance.

What is the point of all of this? = I HATE GOING TO THE DOCTOR! Why are there all those codes and swabs and surprise shot disposal units?! Why are there so many art posters about veins and awol ovaries?! Why don’t they just get some of those 3d posters and a ficus?! Why won’t they just tell me I’m not dying on my answering machine instead of being like “This is about your vagina…ah…. you better call us back.” Then they’re like “Oh you’re fine, I was just trying to tie my shoes at the time I left you the voicemail.” SUCK IT! Ugh! Make a scan robot already so I can just walk through it like at the airport and it gives a little green light or the ick face. This shit is stressing me out! Also, I want you doctors to bring back the toy chest and lollipops for the end. FOR ALL PEOPLE! Not just the kids, ya bastids! THIS IS AMERICA! Just like our forefathers said: “GIVE ME LIBERTY, OR GIVE ME SCRATCH N SNIFF STICKERS WHEN YOU PROBE MY VAGINA!”

‘merica!

A Unicorn Haul

Excuse my absence as I have been celebrating my birthday like a mullafugga. This story isn’t particularly “funny” but it is self-gratifying because it is mostly about me and cake. Yep, that’s right, my birthday happened – people were flying in to visit, cupcakes were consumed, and the gifts… oh the gifts… yeah we’re gonna talk about this.

To kick off the birthday celebrations my lovely took me to ol’ Disney World, and got us the game of LIFE, Disney’s Haunted Mansion edition. Let me tell you, they had me at tiny houses and hitchhiking ghosts! Of course, I have gone on to lose 4 out of the 5 times we’ve played, but I recommend it because I like rainbow spiny wheels. I think I could master this shiz if I could stop randomly picking the role of Maid every time, from a freshly shuffled deck no less, but I digress.

Life: Disney’s Haunted Mansion style

My best friend sent me a unicorn pillow pet “Dream Lite” – DID YOU HEAR THAT?! As seen on tv, bitchez!!! Oddly, every time the commercial was on I would exclaim “THERE’S NO WAY THAT THING DOES THAT! I DECLARE PILLOW LIGHT BULLSHIZ ON THIS!” To which my lovah would say, “Aww baby, do you want that?” Damn it if he doest know my inner monologue “YES I FUGGIN WANT THAT!” Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised at it’s rockin’ status! It lights up the ceiling of my adult vaulted ceiling bedroom like the dickens with stars, moons and unicorn head (there’s only one – not uniporn or anything)! It’s cute too! If you have kids or child-like totally normal adult friends like me, you should buy this for them!

My brother insists that his horn is a penis.

A related tidbit: The Dream Lite arrived in a “Babies R Us” package on my doorstep. Initially, I assumed it was something I had purchased for Penny’s new baby but I popped the lid and was like “AH SNAP THIS SHIT IS MINE, I’M KING OF THE WORLD!” as I hoisted the package over my head – which made my boyfriend, Smith, giggle pretty good.

My aunt and uncle flew in to spend the week with us. It ended up being a food tour, and we ate everything that ever existed, in every nation. I don’t believe my uncle has gone on “vacation” since 1996 – but I think he will be back, because he enjoyed Benihana of Tokyo, Raglan Road’s bread pudding, and sleeping in our pool everyday for 2-12 hours.

THIS UNCLE JUST GOT OWNED, SON!

I found this shirt at Wally World, and gave it to myself. It still counts as a bday gift ’cause it was on my bday and it’s awesome.

Honey Badger don’t give a shit. Click me to see why this is funny. Also, get out from under your rock.

I wore it to Epcot. We ate in Morocco and the servers kept asking me about it:

Server #1: “You like the honey, yes? Honey is good.”

Me: “Well, yes I like honey, but this is the Honey Badger, do you know him?”

Server #1 as #2 joins in: “Honey badger love the honey too, yes? Honey is good. The honey is, yes. He is right.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know if he eats honey, but do you know YouTube?”

Server #1,#2 and #3 onlooking: “You too? Yes, I love the honey.”

Me: “No, YOU TUBE? Honey Badger is a video on there… look it up, it’s funny”

Server # 3 “OH, yes! You Tube Honey Badger make GRRROWL GROOWL I LOVE THE HONEY!” *Makes claw hands in scratchy motion* as Server #1 and #2 enthusiastically await my reaction

My reaction =

@_@ ?

Server #2 hands me taziki as peace offering, or because he felt we bonded about the honey thing…

Anyhoo, here are some other random photos of my life without you:

Best boyfriend and birthday celebration vacation, ever!

In other news, does anyone have any idea what the eff is happening in this commercial? I saw it 40 million times over vacation and I still don’t get it.

Good to be back! Hollah at cha boy dot com! ❤