Magical Panties

I shared this on Facebook and people seemed to enjoy it, so I’m sharing it here too!

I was spending the day at Disney with my boo when I noticed a small string, about a half-inch long, sticking out above the waist of my pants. I decided to pull on the string to get rid of it.

I was a string pulling machine!

and I pulled…and I pulled and proceeded to pull about 4 yards of string out of my pants.

Could have knitted the world a sweater!

I felt a breeze of unwanted freedom below and snapped the string with a key to stop the madness. I had a ball of fuzzy string pilled forever high in my hand and scurried to find somewhere to throw it away.

Watch out I’m trying to get rid of this shit!

I became afraid to use the public restroom because I feared my underwear were either gone entirely, or just laying down there like a fig leaf. I didn’t want to shift any tables in the jean-time-continuum ’cause I just can’t walk around naked in jean shorts. 100% cotton, maybe- but I’m definitely not doing any high kicks in either of those scenarios.

Eventually I did have to crack the pee levee because I drink a shit-ton of water. I stowed myself away into a back corner restroom stall where the light was flickering. Apparently that string was a major component of my underwear’s elastic band because without it, my underwear just kept getting bigger and bigger like they were magical. **ExpectoGrow’Em!** I tucked and folded them bad boys up like I was crafting origami cranes down there and went back out to hit the rides.

Pantygami

By the end of the night I could have sailed a ship with these bloomers, or at least have worn them as a shall or a hipster infinity scarf. At one point I seriously had that shiz tucked up under the bottom of my bra.

If I can figure out how to harness the power of the string I will market rip-cord panties to the world for the holiday season. “Pull this string! BOOM! Comfort.” Well, until they fall out of your pant leg.

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Epcot is 30!

Yeah!

As many of you know, yesterday I relieved myself of my duties at the shit factory place of employment. (I still feel good about it, so I would say I did the right thing.) How does one deal with the self loathing and guilt that ultimately comes from losing one’s job? Why, by putting on your happy pants and going to Disney World, that’s how! Note: by “self loathing and guilt” I mean “fits of giggles and the taste of sweet, sweet freedom.”

Smith found out that Epcot turned 30 yesterday, and that there were magical celebrations planned! So we high tailed it down to the Mouse House and spent the afternoon riding things, fielding the flood of calls from shocked co-workers and acquaintances, and laughing at a lot of nothings. The first of the laughable nothings happened in Norway at the Epcot World Showcase, where this was happening, despite the signs. In fact, right next to the signs:

Strollers gonna stroll, son!

There were a lot of additional signs in Norway that mentioned Fjording. (One is in the background of that photo.) I’m not even positive what fording means to a Norwegian, but judging by the amount of things it’s written on, it seems important. Regardless, “fjording” made Smith and I giggle like  a couple of bitches. Mainly because we used “fjord” to replace various words like “fart” in our conversation, as is evident by the new FU product below:

Who effing Fjorded?! Click to see in the FU merch shoppe!

It might be a “you had to be there” funniness, but I made the shirt anyways because I think everyone can find some kind of humor in a good fjording reference.

I waited in line at Mission to Mars with Smith, but decided not to ride it because I wanted to not go to heaven via an amusement park ride. I mean, I’m just not willing to skip seeing the iPhone 6 to ride that shiz.

Apparently, nothing says “space” like a bunch of big balls.

Speaking of balls, it was hot as balls out. Well, not really hot as balls… humid as balls is what I should say. Do balls get humid? I imagine with the constant pants darkness and friction that they do. (I will assume your silence is confirmation of my theory.) Anyways, I was glad for the sun to get the eff outta here.

Come to the dark side, we have cookies.

The Food and Wine festival had just started and I was able to trick Smith into eating fake beef at the Terra stand. He seemed to enjoy it while I ate my gyro. Oh delicious gyros, why can’t I quit you?

As usual, Illuminations, the fireworks display on the World Showcase lagoon, started promptly at 9. It was beautiful. We watched near Canada, which I think will always be one of our favorite places to watch the show.

BOOM!

Because of the birthday, they started a second fireworks display right after Illuminations. It was like 20 minutes of awe and shock, due to the sheer number of explosions. At one point I lost my balance from the force/fear of the explosions and thought “holy shit, has this thing just lost control?”

Say whaaaaaaat?

But it hadn’t lost control. It had just made me its bitch, and I was covered in the ash to prove it. I don’t know if Disney will be doing this celebratory display throughout the week – but it would definitely be worth stopping by just in case!

A Unicorn Haul

Excuse my absence as I have been celebrating my birthday like a mullafugga. This story isn’t particularly “funny” but it is self-gratifying because it is mostly about me and cake. Yep, that’s right, my birthday happened – people were flying in to visit, cupcakes were consumed, and the gifts… oh the gifts… yeah we’re gonna talk about this.

To kick off the birthday celebrations my lovely took me to ol’ Disney World, and got us the game of LIFE, Disney’s Haunted Mansion edition. Let me tell you, they had me at tiny houses and hitchhiking ghosts! Of course, I have gone on to lose 4 out of the 5 times we’ve played, but I recommend it because I like rainbow spiny wheels. I think I could master this shiz if I could stop randomly picking the role of Maid every time, from a freshly shuffled deck no less, but I digress.

Life: Disney’s Haunted Mansion style

My best friend sent me a unicorn pillow pet “Dream Lite” – DID YOU HEAR THAT?! As seen on tv, bitchez!!! Oddly, every time the commercial was on I would exclaim “THERE’S NO WAY THAT THING DOES THAT! I DECLARE PILLOW LIGHT BULLSHIZ ON THIS!” To which my lovah would say, “Aww baby, do you want that?” Damn it if he doest know my inner monologue “YES I FUGGIN WANT THAT!” Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised at it’s rockin’ status! It lights up the ceiling of my adult vaulted ceiling bedroom like the dickens with stars, moons and unicorn head (there’s only one – not uniporn or anything)! It’s cute too! If you have kids or child-like totally normal adult friends like me, you should buy this for them!

My brother insists that his horn is a penis.

A related tidbit: The Dream Lite arrived in a “Babies R Us” package on my doorstep. Initially, I assumed it was something I had purchased for Penny’s new baby but I popped the lid and was like “AH SNAP THIS SHIT IS MINE, I’M KING OF THE WORLD!” as I hoisted the package over my head – which made my boyfriend, Smith, giggle pretty good.

My aunt and uncle flew in to spend the week with us. It ended up being a food tour, and we ate everything that ever existed, in every nation. I don’t believe my uncle has gone on “vacation” since 1996 – but I think he will be back, because he enjoyed Benihana of Tokyo, Raglan Road’s bread pudding, and sleeping in our pool everyday for 2-12 hours.

THIS UNCLE JUST GOT OWNED, SON!

I found this shirt at Wally World, and gave it to myself. It still counts as a bday gift ’cause it was on my bday and it’s awesome.

Honey Badger don’t give a shit. Click me to see why this is funny. Also, get out from under your rock.

I wore it to Epcot. We ate in Morocco and the servers kept asking me about it:

Server #1: “You like the honey, yes? Honey is good.”

Me: “Well, yes I like honey, but this is the Honey Badger, do you know him?”

Server #1 as #2 joins in: “Honey badger love the honey too, yes? Honey is good. The honey is, yes. He is right.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know if he eats honey, but do you know YouTube?”

Server #1,#2 and #3 onlooking: “You too? Yes, I love the honey.”

Me: “No, YOU TUBE? Honey Badger is a video on there… look it up, it’s funny”

Server # 3 “OH, yes! You Tube Honey Badger make GRRROWL GROOWL I LOVE THE HONEY!” *Makes claw hands in scratchy motion* as Server #1 and #2 enthusiastically await my reaction

My reaction =

@_@ ?

Server #2 hands me taziki as peace offering, or because he felt we bonded about the honey thing…

Anyhoo, here are some other random photos of my life without you:

Best boyfriend and birthday celebration vacation, ever!

In other news, does anyone have any idea what the eff is happening in this commercial? I saw it 40 million times over vacation and I still don’t get it.

Good to be back! Hollah at cha boy dot com! ❤