CHEF starring Jon Favreau

Chef!

I went to see the movie CHEF today, starring the lovable Jon Favreau. Usually when you see a movie with a SHIT-TON of stars on the roster, it’s sure to suck the butt- need I mention the trauma I endured for having over-expected delivery for the flick Valentine’s Day? It’s my own damn fault, but still! CHEF, however, did NOT suck the butt. It didn’t suck the anything- unless there’s some metaphor for sucking something that’s a good context. (Eaaasy.) CHEF was quite fun. It was a slice of life for anyone that’s ever been passionate about anything, lost their path, found it again, been on top, dreamed new dreams… seriously, it was endearing and funny and overall very entertaining!

Without giving any spoilers basically Jon Favreau plays a talented Chef (his roots are in creating edgy cuisine) who’s stuck in a rut of being forced to go against his gut. He has haters and believers, and John Leguizamo plays a funny supportive sidekick to The Chef. It’s worth noting that you could literally hear people’s balls dropping when Robert Downey Jr showed up. (My balls dropped too, and I’m a chick so how the hell did he do that and where are my balls now?!)

I AM IRON BALLZ!

A word of caution: this movie is Food Porn. I had heard of food porn before, I thought I had seen food porn at one point or another- ya know, like maybe in college or something when I was young and impressionable. But I, in fact, now realize I had never seen ACTUAL food porn until this movie. I’m not really a “foodie,” so it made me feel dirty. It wasn’t even run of the mill Facebook status food porn, it was full on HARD-CORE-Don’t-Look-it-in-the-Eye-or-You’ll-Turn-to-Stone Food Porn. I am telling you this because I totally saw a hashbrown’s vagina, the d!ck of some mojo pork, countless sandwich boobies, and a whole orgy of side ingredients. You won’t understand any of this until you see the movie, then you’ll be like “THAT IS A HASHBROWN’S VAGINA! SHE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT!”

ACK! It’s so moist!

By the way, that hashbrown vagina looked at me like she knew me, then I had a flashback to my mother playing hopscotch in the third grade, and that shit is IMPOSSIBLE so you do the math. Personally, I could have done without ALL the hard core food porn, but the movie IS called Chef, after all. My lover, Smith, and my friend, Mary Tyler Moore2 were quite vocal about wanting to eat all. of. the. things., so I believe the graphic action will satisfy the foodies out there.

If you like independent type movie stories, and would like to see a boat load of celebrities not sucking, go see CHEF- you’ll love it!

HERE’s THE TRAILER!

On Facebook: Chef The Film

 

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Art Miami, aka that time I crapped quinoa for 5 days.

Had you begun to wonder if I’d been abducted by ninjas? Fear not! I was MIA in MIA…mi on some shoots with Smith. Please enjoy this photo of the cutest dog ever, seemingly taking a little nap a top a pile of trash. (He got to go with us on our road trip! 🙂 )

He's actually in his bed, but stole our coats to make it fluffier.

He’s actually in his bed, but stole our coats to make it fluffier.

Every December, Art Basel takes over the town. It’s like a high-end art fair that takes place all over the city but mainly in the convention center (Art Basel) and GIGANTIC tents at the 31st Street and 1st Avenue block area (Art Miami).

VIP bitchez!

VIP bitchez!

I got real intimate with these tents, I was all up inside every nook and cranny… so much so that I’m pretty sure I could pleasure Art Miami in a sexual way if I had to. Overall it was pretty cool. There was new art and old art, performance art – where I saw a girl running around with her boobies painted gold, galleries represented from all around the world, strange women in furs – in the sweatiest city on the east coast, mind you , so good luck to them with that.

While there is art, and artists, and art lovers – I found the price of the various shows to be a bit inflated, as is the price of everything in Miami. Anyhow, most passes to the art tents/shows, which allowed you to walk around the tent with a guest, were $100. Does that seem high to anyone else? It would be like paying $100 to go to the mall, if the mall were in a tent and smelled like weed and Cristal in some areas.

Overall, I enjoyed seeing the art and seeing that this art event is so popular. You can read about what celebrity I saw here.

Here’s some of the art I liked, if I had an extra $50,000 laying around I could have bought it all. Please note, apparently I am fond of bunnies when unicorns aren’t available:

Diamonds!

Giant diamonds!

Take us to your leader...

Take us to your leader…

Somebunny ask for 4' bunnies?

Somebunny ask for 4′ bunnies?

Goth bunny with mouth that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Goth bunny with mouth that makes me feel uncomfortable.

This is made of buttons hung on string! Crazy!

This is made of buttons hung on string! Crazy!

I loved this one...

I loved this one…

If you are planning a trip to Miami, here’s a short FU travel guide:

1. Prepare to valet almost everywhere you want to go. There might even be valets for the valets, and that’s some inception type shit goin’ on there. Valet ranges from $5- $35.

2. Just because the price is listed as “price” it does not mean that is the final price you will pay. You should buffer your internal bill tally costs by $15 at nice dining restaurants, and by $100+ in hotel costs, if you are staying on actual South Beach.

3. Hotels

Where NOT to stay:

The Shelbourne on South Beach. It’s the biggest rip off ever, all in hidden fees. Like the $36 complimentary breakfast fee, $30 per day resort fee (they’re not a resort) and the $27 for not purchasing your in-room bottled water fee. These are not exaggerations. Also, if you book a room for under $350 you will be staying in Shit Taco Towers, the unrenovated, low-rent, run-down apartments that look as they likely did when they inspired Little Shoppe of Horrors or Slum Dog Millionaire.

Stay Close Enough:

Try the Double Tree if you’d like to stay Downtown Miami. It’s seconds from the freeway so it makes getting to Lincoln Road and South Beach pretty easy. They’re nice rooms, with a great staff in a high rise of luxury condos that people own. The price is the price and the staff is very agreeable. Great valet too! They even gave Smith a cookie when he walked up to the desk to check in.

Me: “What’s that?”

Smith: “It’s my check-in welcome cookie.”

Me: “Did they think you were a small boy?”

Smith: “No, they just thought ‘I gotta get this guy a cookie!'”

For THE BEST HOTEL IN MIAMI, if you’re not Missy Elliot (aka not willing to pay $900 for a suite at the gorgeous Le Fontainebleau or the Viceroy – we’ve been in both and the rooms are very similar to this little gem):

The Element by Westin. It’s near Miami international and it’s beautiful, safe and even allows you to bring along your canine companions! The staff was awesome too. Oddly enough it’s down on the water near the shipyards – which would normally be where someone would find your body. Not in Miami, it actually felt safe compared to most areas and was totally gated and… beautiful. Stay there! It’s around $200 a night for your own clean, modern apartment with a full kitchen to boot!

Modern and awesome!

Modern and awesome!

Z-man enjoyed the view from the back of the couch!

Z-man enjoyed the view from the back of the couch!

Plus it’s in walking distance from El Farto cafe. I don’t know what they serve, but I am damn sure bitchez got beans.

El Farts in the house!

El Farts in the house!

 

Cruise Pick Up

As some of you may have read, my Aunt and Uncle flew in to celebrate my birthday for a week, and boy were their arms tired then it was off for a week to themselves on a Caribbean cruise with the Carnival Freedom. Smith and I have been debating whether going on a cruise would be fun or not. I’ve been on boats, big boats – small boats and that was good times, but lock me in a cabin for 7 days and I may lose my mind. (Have any of you gone on a cruise? Where, when, who, how, etc. in the comments!) So when we had the opportunity to wander over and pick them up from their recent voyage, we jumped at the chance to see them again and hear about life on the high seas. Originally, they were scheduled with a van service to transport them around town for a few hours and back to the airport that evening for their flight back to Chi-town, BUT Smith and I developed a super-secret plan to surprise them at the port!

First, we rented a car (because we have small cars that do not understand people+ luggage = normal everyday occurrence) so it was off to the airport, where we met this lil dude, while we waited for the bus to the car place:

The quote is what our friend said when he saw the pic. Pure. Genius.

There were three cars for us to choose from at Alamo. A Jeep, a Kia and a Hyundai. We chose the Hyundai (Santa Fe) because it was loaded and smelled like Heaven inside. I can’t be positive, but when I opened the glove compartment I think I heard babies’ laughter and smelled cotton candy. Anyhoo, it was at the Alamo Car Rental, that I learned the difference between Smith and I.

I: Would just get into the rent-a-car of my choosing, which means whichever I thought looked prettiest. I might check the mirror to see if I could see myself. It would be about 2 minutes between ass-in-seat and peeling outta that place like a mullafugga to find a place that sells Snapple.

However,

Smith: Inspects the car. Looks at mileage. Looks for any indicators he doesn’t understand so that he can look through the manual. Tests things… like the horn and lights…

If we had done this pick up with me driving, we would have been SOL because I am a thirsty moron and he is a genius. For some reason, in the Santa Fe, when we turned the headlights on – the horn started… in a constant lay-down-the-law-and-look-at-me blare. We were perplexed. “Is this a Korean safety feature?” We turned off the car and tried again. Key in. Engine on. Cross fingers. Turn switch…

—HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK—-

Long story short, I ended up asking the night crew, security, and then everybody at Hyundai of California’s service department: “If you turn on the lights, should the horn go off… forever?” I heard a LOT of people laugh for minutes on end as they transferred me around so that I could demonstrate the steps that makes the horn honk. In the end we sacrificed the smell of utopia and plush seats for the comfort of not dying on the freeway at night. The Kia Sorento was like the Santa Fe’s younger brother – who looks totally the same but there is just something different about him. I think I was only initially bummed with the switch because my buttcheeks felt freer in the Santa Fe. I should write them a note about adding that feature to the manual.

The Kia Sorento was nice and comfortable!

It was pretty amusing to hear the night crew laughing and testing the car in the distance as we pulled away from the lot. We were finally off to meet adventure! When we left, in the wee morning hours, as the sun came up it looked like this:

Sunny sky delight

But by the time we arrived at the boat, the bottom fell out and it looked like this:

Welcome back, hope you bought a duty-free towel!

Eventually it cleared up and we got to enjoy a GREAT day with the A&U “eating all of the things,” as Paula would say, while taking in the local scenery and wild life.

Lizardous Maximus with Curly Tailitus

Blue and Gold Macawzilleous

Alas, it was time to say our goodbyes at the airport, pretend I wasn’t crying, and get back on the road. Four hours later, we were filling up the car to prepare for the drop off, when I over heard this girl:

“Like Oh Emm GEE!”

She was talking into a little bluetooth device in her hand, but had her car synced to her phone… so her Phone-a-Friend (unbeknownst to said friend, I’m sure) was divulging her innermost secrets via Hot Pant’s blasting car stereo system for all of the airport 7-Eleven to hear. At first, I thought one of the clerks must be talking to a customer via the outdoor speaker thingy – but then came the sentence bomb:

P-a-F: “So, then I… I totally had some sex with him.”

Hot Pants: “Like, oh emm gee – why did you have sex with him?”

P-a-F: ” ‘Cause I wanted some sex, but he is weird.”

Hot Pants: “Oh emm gee, you know he is weird about that stuff!”

I am sure Phone-a-Friend would be mortified that I know the inner workings of her vagina’s weekend. We were headed back to the airport before their conversation was over, so I may never know why P-a-F sleeps with weirdos.

Back at the car depot, we had to wait for the bus to take us back to our car, somewhere out near where Jesus lost his sandals.

NO CLASS…BUS

I think the sign was trying to start a hate crime with me, and giving me three middle fingers. It’s not MY fault her vagina was exposed!

It was an awesome day but I MISS MY AUNT AND UNCLE! </3

😀