Herman the Magical Turtle

Once upon a time, there lived a magical turtle…

Turtle in da house!

Herman was born in captivity. Eleven years ago, Herman went to live with the Unicorn after a certain man-boy named “Lee” decided he didn’t want the gift from his wife, Lala’s, vacation trip to a Myrtle Beach “Buy a Turtle” store. In any case, the Unicorn was happy for the twist of fate that brought Herman to her. After all, Herman was adorable and all alone in the world!

While Herman liked to do all sorts of things, he particularly loved doing a few things most.

1. Clearing the rocks from the one side of his tank to the other:

“It’s MY tank, I’ll do what I want!”

2. Taking baths:

Calgon, take me away!

3. Diving under “majestic waterfalls.”

Oooh! I must be in Hawaii!

Herman lived his life as quite the man turtle. He drank 40’s, bench pressed things in his tank – prison yard style, ignored wussy turtle rules like : “A turtle does not grow as to exceed the size of one’s tank.” (He was the size of a half dollar when the stork brought him – now he’s the size of an IHOP triple stack.) One day, Herman’s Unicorn mother was faced with the facts: Herman, was not a Herman. Herman was just a Her—.

The plot thickens!

And so “Herman” became “Hermione.”

We’re suggesting the change slowly:

Huh?