Thank You Thursdays!

When I realize it’s Thursday, (because normally I do not know what day of the week it actually is and I go by “it feels like a Tuesday today” kind of logic) I’m going to make a conscious effort to post something I am thankful for- because “Thankful Thursdays” sounds good and I’m going to make this a universal thing just like that time when I made short busses come into style. With that, today I’m thankful for the ability to find humor in most anything. It always makes life entertaining. Let me share a few random places that have left me with the giggles lately:

1. This quote from Michael Scott on The Office about a character he made up and cried about for a non-existant movie he never made:

He had no arms or legs. He couldn’t see, hear, or speak. This is how he led a nation.

*This* is how he led a nation? *This* is? That just makes me lmao!

2. That time I saw an ice cream truck that read “Watch out for the childrens.” That’s right, “childrens” – with an s. How many dang kids are eating popsicles there that “children” needs to become more plural?!

WAIT FOR ME ICE CREAM MAN!

3. This girl’s reaction to seeing her spotty coverage map on this Verizon commercial:

What the hell am I seeing right now?!

4. This meme @SngleMomConfssn posted about diets:

JUST SHUT UP!

JUST SHUT UP!

5. The sign burning out on our Embassy Suites, to only reveal “Assy Suites” (Forgive the blurriness, Smith was driving at the speed of light and I took this shot right before we blasted back in time.)

Dang, I gotta mini fridge and a writing desk - these suites is assy as hell! *4 stars*

“Dang, I gotta mini fridge and a writing desk – these suites is assy as hell!” *4 stars*

6. Inspirational Mr. T on a unicorn:

Follow your dreams, fool!

7. And this “What I gotta put this on, #PowerRanger?” quote from this girl about it being to hot out side this past summer. (NSFW – language)

Bahaha! Laughing is good. Anyhoo – find something that makes you laugh and share it today! Happy Thank You Thursday!

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Seadon’ts

I love wave runners. My lovah loves wave runners. So much so that we have been tempted to buy them several times, and only haven’t because A. we lack a place to store them properly and B. we don’t live on the water… yet. So when visiting the Keys (one of our favorite places to Seadoo, by the way) and some dude with an Irish accent says he offers “relaxing tours of the Island on wave runners…at your own pace… for 20% off” we were WAY on board!

We arrived at the shack and Irish guy was nowhere to be found. They wouldn’t couldn’t take our 20% coupon we just got that morning even though they said they would when we reserved the tour. The weather seemed a bit foreboding, but we were assured, “Nah, that’s nothing – the tour is still on, man!” After being issued a life preserver that smelled like a giant foot, we all (about 10 of us) followed Cheech and Chong on our cracked up wave runners. Cheech gathered us about 50 feet out from the shore and told us that we would all follow each other in a line, and to read his hand signals, ya know “for safety.” Then the bitch proceeded to tear outta the lagoon at what looked like 1700MPH leaving everyone in his ocean mist dust.

This thing is outta control!

At that point, I was thinking… “Man, it sure feels like someone’s going to die today, but maybe I’m just getting use to the waves or something.” Smith was booking it on our wave runner to catch up with the asshat tour guides and I am certain in my fight to stay on the back of that thing that I pulled out several of his nut hairs.

RIP Smith’s Nut Hairs – we will never forget.

The ocean was so volatile that we were hitting waves at about 60MPH then shooting up into the air and dropping at least 5 feet… every five seconds. Some swells going by made our view of the now grain-of-sand-sized tour dudes obsolete. Cheech eventually stopped about 25 minutes into the “tour with breathtaking views and vistas.” He addresses the group:

“Yeah so you guys need to go faster and keep up with me. It gets smoother if you go really fast. (Note: It does not.) Also it looks like we got some pretty severe weather happening right now that we didn’t know about when we left (even though EVERYONE was ASKING before we left) so make sure you avoid the lightning, and it’s probably gonna get pretty bad and… so let’s go!” That’s right, “avoid the lightning.” Because lighting is predictable as shit, said no one ever.

Just then a wave turns our wave runner over and we go flying unexpectedly through the deep silent abyss. When I make it to the surface all I hear is commotion and Cheech yelling “OMG ITS IN THE WATER!!! ITS IN THE WATER!!!” At which point I assume “it’s” a shark because the tour guide is screaming like a crazy person. “It” ended up being some sunglasses and if I hadn’t just been rocked to the core at the thought of being eaten alive I would have slapped this bitch like they used to slap women in the olden days to calm them down.

Smith talked me into getting back on the shit taco to finish the tour (I had already begun to swim the mile or so to shore after this fiasco). We rode for about ten minutes before we got trapped in a thick pocket of fog rolling in and had to drift in the stormy sea for about 30 minutes. You couldn’t see the shore or other boats or… anything but whoever was right next to you. For me that was a couple of Seadoos and a hand full of Smith’s nut hairs. It was during this time that I saw psycho tour guide’s assistant, Chong, floating around eating a muthafugging homemade sandwich. How the heck did he get that out there? AND WHY DIDN’T HE BRING ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE?!?!

Later, dudes.

End result is, we didn’t see anything scenic, and we feared for our lives for *three and a half* hours on our *two* hour tour. If you’re in the Keys, unless you KNOW it’s a beautiful calm day, SKIP THIS SHIT! Don’t listen to sweet-talking Irish guy. His pot-o-gold is full of lies!

EFF YOU BAREFOOT BILLY’S!

Pride! In the Name of Love!

U2 must love the shit outta some gay people. I can’t blame them, gay people are awesome.

If you are curious what the heck goes on at a gay pride festival, Google no more my friends! Smith and I (straight) have more gay friends than straight friends. We don’t quite know how that happened, but we are thankful for all of the gourmet foods we’ve been sampling, and good times we’ve been having as result thereof. I would strongly suggest that if you can whip up a few gay neighbors, to do so. You will have the best time at their barbecues. Think of it, every morning going to get the mail and running into an Anderson Cooper or an Ellen. Now, that can’t suck. Also, your property values will likely sky rocket, just from being in close vicinity to their meticulously groomed yards. Come to think of it, Gays might even get us out of the housing market crash altogether. Again, I can’t recommend getting some gay friends and neighbors enough.

There is nothing quite like a gay crowd that is ready to party. They are happy and loving and open to partying with anyone that wants to join – gay or straight. Pride, is a perfect example of that. We go with our friends every year- to celebrate them being them.

The PRIDE! Preparation:

First, I rainbowed my toes-

A rainbow a day keeps the blues away!

Next, I made and wore this sign to celebrate our gay friends out loud:

“My gay friends are so fabulous, they sweat glitter”

I made shirts for them that are the original saying: FU I’m So Fabulous, I sweat glitter tee for sale HERE

Then it was time to go to the parade. Like I said, they welcomed EVERYone to join in. To support this statement, there was a preachy hater man on the corner with a megaphone – yelling about the gay community being devils and going to hell. How does a gay person react to this? Several gay people tried to get a high-five from him. Now, if that isn’t an open reaction- I don’t know what is. My straight reaction was to show him my butthole, but gay people are so much more classier than I.

In the parade there were floats:

Silverman is Canadian? Who knew?

There were sailors:

Sailor aboard the Hamburger Mary’s float

There were representatives from Southwest Airlines:

The real reason airlines keep blankets on hand for the chills… cold captains.

There were British men in underwears:

I see your panties!

There were awesome politicians:

Alan Gray,SON!

There were dudes so happy they were holding their feet way up in the air:

Damn, that dude can flex!

As the sun went down, there were friends in twinkle lights:

Two of my lovelies ❤

There were live drumming DJ’s that made everyone party at the amphitheater:

Shake yo groove thangs!

There was a big gay rainbow fountain, that I tried to smuggle home with me:

Gay Eola fountain 😀

There were fireworks as we walked to our car that night:

BOOM!

There was also Debbie Gibson at 1am… I only made it ’til 8-ish before I needed to go eat gelato. Win some, lose some. Side note, I though Debbie was a drag queen* and was like “damn, that dude looks pretty good. I can hardly tell.” (That’s right, “hardly.”)

Note: If you are in the Orlando area, Pride! lasts ALL THIS WEEK. This was just the kick-off night. I told you gay people  know how to throw a party!

Click here to learn more about PRIDE -Orlando festivities on their site. Hope to see you there in 2013!

*In modern days I’ve learned that there’s a difference between transvestites and drag queens, not that it matters much – they’re both normally gorgeous and make me jealous of their beauty in some way or another. ❤

A Unicorn Haul

Excuse my absence as I have been celebrating my birthday like a mullafugga. This story isn’t particularly “funny” but it is self-gratifying because it is mostly about me and cake. Yep, that’s right, my birthday happened – people were flying in to visit, cupcakes were consumed, and the gifts… oh the gifts… yeah we’re gonna talk about this.

To kick off the birthday celebrations my lovely took me to ol’ Disney World, and got us the game of LIFE, Disney’s Haunted Mansion edition. Let me tell you, they had me at tiny houses and hitchhiking ghosts! Of course, I have gone on to lose 4 out of the 5 times we’ve played, but I recommend it because I like rainbow spiny wheels. I think I could master this shiz if I could stop randomly picking the role of Maid every time, from a freshly shuffled deck no less, but I digress.

Life: Disney’s Haunted Mansion style

My best friend sent me a unicorn pillow pet “Dream Lite” – DID YOU HEAR THAT?! As seen on tv, bitchez!!! Oddly, every time the commercial was on I would exclaim “THERE’S NO WAY THAT THING DOES THAT! I DECLARE PILLOW LIGHT BULLSHIZ ON THIS!” To which my lovah would say, “Aww baby, do you want that?” Damn it if he doest know my inner monologue “YES I FUGGIN WANT THAT!” Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised at it’s rockin’ status! It lights up the ceiling of my adult vaulted ceiling bedroom like the dickens with stars, moons and unicorn head (there’s only one – not uniporn or anything)! It’s cute too! If you have kids or child-like totally normal adult friends like me, you should buy this for them!

My brother insists that his horn is a penis.

A related tidbit: The Dream Lite arrived in a “Babies R Us” package on my doorstep. Initially, I assumed it was something I had purchased for Penny’s new baby but I popped the lid and was like “AH SNAP THIS SHIT IS MINE, I’M KING OF THE WORLD!” as I hoisted the package over my head – which made my boyfriend, Smith, giggle pretty good.

My aunt and uncle flew in to spend the week with us. It ended up being a food tour, and we ate everything that ever existed, in every nation. I don’t believe my uncle has gone on “vacation” since 1996 – but I think he will be back, because he enjoyed Benihana of Tokyo, Raglan Road’s bread pudding, and sleeping in our pool everyday for 2-12 hours.

THIS UNCLE JUST GOT OWNED, SON!

I found this shirt at Wally World, and gave it to myself. It still counts as a bday gift ’cause it was on my bday and it’s awesome.

Honey Badger don’t give a shit. Click me to see why this is funny. Also, get out from under your rock.

I wore it to Epcot. We ate in Morocco and the servers kept asking me about it:

Server #1: “You like the honey, yes? Honey is good.”

Me: “Well, yes I like honey, but this is the Honey Badger, do you know him?”

Server #1 as #2 joins in: “Honey badger love the honey too, yes? Honey is good. The honey is, yes. He is right.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know if he eats honey, but do you know YouTube?”

Server #1,#2 and #3 onlooking: “You too? Yes, I love the honey.”

Me: “No, YOU TUBE? Honey Badger is a video on there… look it up, it’s funny”

Server # 3 “OH, yes! You Tube Honey Badger make GRRROWL GROOWL I LOVE THE HONEY!” *Makes claw hands in scratchy motion* as Server #1 and #2 enthusiastically await my reaction

My reaction =

@_@ ?

Server #2 hands me taziki as peace offering, or because he felt we bonded about the honey thing…

Anyhoo, here are some other random photos of my life without you:

Best boyfriend and birthday celebration vacation, ever!

In other news, does anyone have any idea what the eff is happening in this commercial? I saw it 40 million times over vacation and I still don’t get it.

Good to be back! Hollah at cha boy dot com! ❤